John jokingly said something negitive to me last night about a part of my body. He ment it in good fun, but because i'm fat, selfaware, and perhaps a little vulnerable about it. It's important for me to not only know that John loves me the way i am [which i know he does] but that he also appreciates me the way i am. A tough call you might think? Well no, because for 9 1/2 years i've felt secure in the knowledge that he does appreciate my body, because he has always said he did. I always thought he said he did, because he really did. If there's something he doesn't like, he tells me straight up. I'm not one of those precious woman that needs to be told what someone thinks i want to hear. In fact, i have no tolerence for that kind of falseness. I want to hear it like it is. But don't tell me it's one way for 9 years and then say it's another, especialy in the ruse of a joke.Then when i got upset, he didn't know what he'd said wrong.
When he thought about it and realised, he couldn't apoligize enough for his careless words and he asked for forgiveness. He acknowledged that he wouldn't like it if i'd said something like that to him.
Well i did/do forgive him and we moved on. I'm not holding it against him, i still love him just as much today as i did yesterday.
But forgiving him for what he said and erasing it from my mind are two different things. You can't take words back, no matter how sorry you are for saying them.
John and i joke about our physical fatness all the time. When we are out walking, he says stuff like, "Move those chubby little legs". And i'll say, "Stop flapping your chins." And we laugh about it coz it's funny. [really it is lol]
But this was different...very different.
I can't imagine being intimate with him or letting him see me naked for a looooong time, or untill i can rectify the body part in question [which i can never see happening]. I feel as if i've lost some deep intimate trust in him. Like i can't be intimate with him without thinking, " Gee, is he disaprooving of this? Is he wishing i was different right now?"
John and i have always been really close, like best freinds that sleep together. I feel as if he is an extention of me rather than a seporate person. We are one person. Two souls entwined into one. But now i feel like there's a dent in that security. There's nothing he can do to rectify it, and i can't see how i can move past it :o(
:UPDATE:
I am over it. It stung for about a week, but now it's all good. Mostly coz i just couldn't hold out [If you know what i mean] lol
