John has just had two weeks off work. Jason has been home for two weeks as well. One week, because we went away, and the second week because he was sick.
I loved having my boys home and now they are back at work/school. Daniel is going to bed between 10-11am and sleeps for 3-4 hours. And you know what? I'M LOVING THE SPACE!!! I do what i have to do around the house. And then what? Whatever i want!!!
I love being by myself
Just love it.

Missing Links

I love Daniel sooooooo much! I love him as if he were my own child. However.....
The reality is that i have a child who is really Daniels mother, but she isn't of sound mind to raise him. And i don't see that happening any time soon. I have resigned myself to the fact that Daniel will be with us until he is a man, and i am happy with that. I am looking forward to guiding him through his milestones in life, and being there for him through the good and bad times.
But it is always in my mind that Alix is his mother, and one day, she might wake up and get her life to a point where she can, and is willing to, look after Daniel herself.
John and i will fight for Daniel. We have vowed to stand for him and fight for his best interests, through thick and thin. It will NEVER get too hard! We love him and we WILL fight!
But Alix is his mother and i am Alix's mother. If i were to be completely honest, the ultimate outcome for me right now, is that Alix would get her life together, and be able to raise her own son. And i could spoil Daniel as a grandparent does.
There is a missing link here, and that link is Alix. I wish so much that things were different. For her and for Daniel, to experience the circle of life as it's supposed to be.
But i carry this burdon alone as everyone else feels that Daniel belongs with John and I. I feel guilty when Daniel calls me 'Mum', even though i am the closest thing to a Mum that he has. I can never buy him one of those tacky T-shirts that say things like, "Mum's little helper".
I love Daniel as if he were my own child, and i will raise him as God has entrusted me to. But a part of me still yearns for the relationships to be something they are not, and will probably never be.

Expect The Unexpected

I was sitting in a shop this morning, feeding Daniel, When i watched a rough looking guy cross the street toward the shop. He had denim jeans on, a worn denim jacket. Although he was clean, his very balding hair was messy and blowing around in the breeze. He didn't look like he smiled much. He did look quite rough, but not like a street bum, y'know what i mean?
Well this guy stood out to me because of one minor detail: He had a lilac flower sticking out of his pocket - the last thing i'd expect to see! And that made me smile :o)

Yay...NOT!

I've tried to explain to my kids about getting older. Why we don't really like it after a certain age, and how they might understand that we really can relate to them.
I myself feel like i'm still 18. My mind stayed 18, but my body kept growing older . I'm actually a lot more childish than someone my age [nearly 40] and i like it that way. [in fact, i've planned it that way, to a certain degree] Farts are still funny. I still laugh when someone hurts themselves [with consideration], i still drive fast through big puddles, And i will happily watch Sponge bob Square pants when no-one else is around. But still, I think it's safe to say that mental maturing is a lot slower than physical maturing.
I've never been overly worried about getting older. I still look pretty young, and i tend to fit in more with a young age group. I get on better with my kids' friends than people my own age [coz its easier to think like them. Basic, simple thoughts.]
However, I'm turning 40 in 12 days and i'm dreading it. Being in your 30's and getting along better with kids is weird enough. But being 40 and still getting along better with kids is just creepy.
So that has left me feeling like i don't really belong. This happened when i turned 30 as well. And i haven't gotten over turning 30 yet, and here i am turning 40!
I might have to think about investing more time into serious [boring], mature, [mundane] and sensible [*gag*] relationships. And doing more constructive things with my life...


I'm getting a headache just thinking about it

I'm having the worst freakin few days ever! I feel like i'm going to explode at any given opportunity!
So i figured i'd come here to let off steam, coz i can't do it anywhere else.
Here's what's shitting me....
It started on Sunday night when i'd finaly had enough of the kids not doing thier chores properly, trying to protest that they do, yet not making any effort to hide that they hadn't.
The next morning [yesterday], Rose somehow managed to explode a bottle of red hair dye all over the bathroom, some of the dining room, and some of the kitchen. It stained and now it looks like there's been a brutal murder in the house! John is away on business and is going to FREAK when he sees it!

Then the dog got bored and ripped up the mattress on the back porch day bed, and dug holes in the yard.

Then Rose trashed a new fluffy throw rug that she'd spewed on, on Sunday. It can't be washed so i told her to hang it up on the line and gently hose the bit where she vomited. I went out there and she'd dragged it through mud & dog poo and drenched it in water, thus trashing it! [She didn't apoligise for that or the dye either. Just had the 'Oh well, it ws an accident" attitude >:o/ ]

Then, we have a nesting Starling in the roof . I'd asked John to block the hole last year coz the babies fall out of the nest, get stuck in the wall and die [squawking the whole time] [we can't get them out without removing whole walls]He kept putting it off and putting it off, despite my almost constant nagging about it. And now there's a baby stuck in the wall, squawking for our entire day light hours. It drives me nuts! 1. because it's suffering and there's not a dam thing i can do to help it. And 2. the constant repetitive noise drives us MAD!

Jason is now sick and last night he vomited all over his bedroom floor. I need to clean it up, but each time i go in there, i heave. So i have to leave it until i CAN do it.

Then, I've just made a really good friend, and today she was told she has cancer and they don't know how bad it is yet. My mum died of cancer and so i know how that road goes :o/

Ok i feel better now :o)

Mork From Ork?

I was out shopping today with Jason & Daniel, when a stranger came up to the pram to talk to Daniel. She assumed i was the Mum [as people do] and i corrected her by saying i'm the Grandma. She gasped [literally] and the two ladies behind the counter disputed the possibility. I assured them i was and that i'm turning 40 in November. The stranger lady said i didn't look any older than 27 at the most [that's pushing it a bit lady! lol] and demanded to know what i was using on my skin. The ladies behind the counter asked if it was something currently being advertised on tele [anti-wrinkle crap] and i told them that for the past ten years, i don't wash my face with soap [just a hot washer] and then use non-oily moisturiser on my face. One of the ladies wrote that down.
Until today, i've always just thought people were flattering me when they went on about how young i look. But enough people go on about it, that i'm starting to believe them. That makes me feel really good :o)

I've just had a sneaky drink at home. John and i are trying to cut down to only every-so-often, but today I'm being sneaky. Why am i confessing this? I'm trying to analyse my habit because if i can understand it, i can hopefully beat it. AA meetings are a cesspool for self pity as far as I'm concerned. The only ones i have access to, anyway.
Soooo I'm using this blog to try to beat it.
Ok so i just had a drink. I feel the buzz and it makes me feel like nothing negative matters. I feel like a better, more carefree person.
What i don't get, is why i 'need' that feeling. My life is pretty sweet - Great hubby [with good income], great kids, house in suburbia, car, good schools, great friends, great church.....So why do i need that buzz?
Is it me? Well i kinda like myself. I have imperfections like I'm not a very good housewife [i clutter] and I'm too fat for my liking. But other than that I'm really nice. I'd do anything for anyone, even people i don't like. I'm light-hearted and fun to be with. I'm loyal and thoughtful...
So why?
There must be something that I'm trying to band-aid. I just wish i knew what it was.
As a Christian, i should be using God to fill that gap. Maybe i feel guilty about wanting to use booze instead of God to fill the [who knows why] gap?
To pray about something [gap filling] requires spending time, humbling oneself, and waiting on the answers. Having a drink instantly fills the gap.
But that's a reason to feel bad about the solution, not the cause, so i won't go on that tangent.
It kinda comes back to the fat, the clutter and the booze. I just know that they are related and have thought about it before. And before i thought too much about it, i even pointed them out above as a sub issue, and tried to hide it amongst question marks.
I clutter to build a protective wall around me. I drink so i don't have to look at the clutter [or so that it doesn't matter]. I eat coz i feel defeated over the booze and clutter.

Crap!

I still need therapy.