I love Daniel sooooooo much! I love him as if he were my own child. However.....The reality is that i have a child who is really Daniels mother, but she isn't of sound mind to raise him. And i don't see that happening any time soon. I have resigned myself to the fact that Daniel will be with us until he is a man, and i am happy with that. I am looking forward to guiding him through his milestones in life, and being there for him through the good and bad times.
But it is always in my mind that Alix is his mother, and one day, she might wake up and get her life to a point where she can, and is willing to, look after Daniel herself.
John and i will fight for Daniel. We have vowed to stand for him and fight for his best interests, through thick and thin. It will NEVER get too hard! We love him and we WILL fight!
But Alix is his mother and i am Alix's mother. If i were to be completely honest, the ultimate outcome for me right now, is that Alix would get her life together, and be able to raise her own son. And i could spoil Daniel as a grandparent does.
There is a missing link here, and that link is Alix. I wish so much that things were different. For her and for Daniel, to experience the circle of life as it's supposed to be.
But i carry this burdon alone as everyone else feels that Daniel belongs with John and I. I feel guilty when Daniel calls me 'Mum', even though i am the closest thing to a Mum that he has. I can never buy him one of those tacky T-shirts that say things like, "Mum's little helper".
I love Daniel as if he were my own child, and i will raise him as God has entrusted me to. But a part of me still yearns for the relationships to be something they are not, and will probably never be.
