My oldest daughter has had a baby and he's absolutely beautiful! They will be staying with us until she feels confident enough in her new role to get her own place. That's ok by me coz i get lots of baby cuddles! :o)
Alix came home from hospital today and they are both settling in well. However, something has raised it's ugly head that i thought was long dead!.......
My brother died of a cot death when he was 5 months old and my mother always blamed herself. When i had Alix, she somehow transferred that fear onto me, and i became obsessed with cot death! I had to check my babies every 5 minutes to see if they were breathing, and if they were quiet for any length of time, i worried more and had to check. It really was bordering on OCD.
Jason is my youngest and i checked that he was breathing at night, up until he was about 7, then i slowly forgot about it.
Then today, Alix bought baby Daniel home. I'm trying to teach Alix the ropes of mothering. I'm trying to encourage her to let him sleep in his room, rather than holding him all the time. He's dealing with that ok. But he's been quiet for a while. And as i sat here on the computer, that old, forgotten, familiar voice popped up. "He's been quite for a while. Maybe you better go check his breathing."And i couldn't just not check him. I had to go rushing in there like a ninja, to check him...... SHIT!! I don't want to go back there, really i don't! Checking breathing every few minutes is emotionally exhausting, seriously! And i don't want to transfer that fear to my daughter. She's already over-protective as it is. So then i thought that i'd have to secretly check all the time...what's with that?
I guess i will just have to, while i deal with this demon in silence.

*Red Nose Day