As some people may know, I have had ADD since childhood. That's no real biggy except when it comes to remembering things [i'm medicated for ADD but with the memory, i'm on my own!]. But i probably have bipolar syndrome as well. I say 'probably' because i like to deny it passive aggressively.I have to see a shrink and the one medicine he gave me for bipolar effected me soooo badly with side effects, that it scared me off trying anything else! REALLY scared me! Every appointment i have with him is just spent with him lecturing me on using meds.
I would like to try to tackle the symptoms in other ways, individually, but the doctor thinks the 'quick fix' is the better way to go. I can't help but think that the meds will somehow make it worse. I've heard from other bipolar people that even if the meds do work, instead of working on the symptoms, they just make you feel emotionally numb. Not just during the down times, but the up times too. And i don't think i could think of much worse!
When i had my oldest daughter, i got phsycotic post natal depression that lasted two loooong years. And the medicine i was given for that made me emotionally numb, and it was awful! I felt like a robot, and my precious daughter missed out on a mother :o(
However, i can't go on the way i am. The down times have always been just as frequent as the up times through my life, unlike regular bipolar. They swing for up for a few days, then down for a few days and so on. One day i'm on top of the world and in control and happy, and then a few days later i wake up feeling like i can't even get out of bed, the extreme opposite. And i could deal with the down days well enough most of the time. but lately the down times are getting kinda unmanageable and they are lasting longer. Then the up times are here again and i feel like i'm doing ok and don't need medication.
Here i am today, in the middle of a down time. And i'm going to bare my soul here and document just how it feels so that i can look back during the up times and think harder about trying something else, medication wise, And weigh the pros and cons....
The mood swings suck. I seem to be constantly on edge. I have a temper at any time, but i don't get angry very easily at all. But during the down times i snap like i haven't slept in a month! And at anything. My poor kids don't know weather i'm coming or going, so i try to avoid them without being obvious.
If i drop something, i'm likely to pick it up and throw it. If the DVD i just put in the player wont work, i'm likely to throw my arms in the air and storm off to sulk.
I know it's unreasonable, but i just can't seem to control it.
And cry...i'll cry at the drop of a hat! No chick flicks for me during down time! Don't mention any money problems we might have, or my seriously dysfunctional relationship with my oldest daughter [That probably started with those bloody stupid f%#king meds!] Or my mother who died 8 years ago...just don't mention anything with a slightly negative spin on it! [I want to cry now, after typing all that!]
And the very worst thing is what i can only call extreme overwhelmeness. I just can't seem to deal with anything, no matter how trivial. At the moment i know there's washing in the machine that needs hanging out. But i don't want to 'deal with it'. [I will but i have to work up to it] The kitchen needs tidying up, but i look at the mess and feel overwhelmed by it, like the weight of the world gets plonked into my shoulders...just over dishes! I'll give it a go but the slightest thing to go wrong, like dropping a drink bottle or splashing water on myself, and i'll get the shits and storm out!
Just thinking about doing a chore makes me feel agitated and anxious.
I wouldn't even go to the loo if it wasn't a bodily function that needed urgent attention weather i want to do it or not!
I care about my kids more than life and i'd NEVER neglect them! But i'm grateful that they are old enough to be quite self sufficient during these times. At dinner time i declare a much loved "Catch and kill" night [get your own dinner] and they love that! The only thing they really notice at this time is the mood swings [occasionally]. And i'm quick to apologize if they get the raw end of it.
I don't want to think..about anything. Anything at all.
I don't want to be sociable. I want to sit in a room, preferably a dark room, and do nothing. I don't want any visitors and I dread going to church, the one place where i could really get support if i reached out [maybe - if someone understood. today i don't think anyone there would]. And i'll cancel other appointments just so i don't have to deal with them.
My sweet, sweet husband, and best Friend in the whole world doesn't even enter this horrid place. He just thinks i'm being bitchy for a while and my period must be coming or i haven't have my ADD meds.
I'm trying to get healthy. I weigh more than i should and this 'bipolar' has something major to do with it, i'm sure!
Today i don't care about weather i'm healthy or not. I don't want to move so i'm sure as hell not going to exercise! I don't want to spend time cooking something healthy, so i'll eat whatever is there that's quick and easy. Today we drove past McDonald's at lunch time so we went through and i ordered a double quarter pounder meal. Why? Especially when there were salad things on offer? Coz i didn't care.
I spend this time sabotaging my weight loss efforts, and then i spend the up times trying to repair the damage. It's a vicious circle and i hate it! I'm aware of it today but i seem so far removed from it, emotionally.
And the sex. I have an absolutely insatiable appetite for it during down time. But it's never enough. It's like i'm trying to get a fix that isn't fixable. Scratch an itch that keeps feeling itchy...It's NEVER enough! Poor Johnny - he's such an unselfish lover who just wants to please, and he does!. I know it's not for the right reasons, but i can't help it. It starts off with me just wanting to be with him, but i just want more more more...and then go to sleep crying because there's just no relief for the itch. It sucks! Really it does!
And then there's the booze. It's a way of self medicating that i KNOW works. Do i have a problem with booze? Yes. But i won't go to AA or anything because i know it's a great and quick back up for the down times. I don't drink the whole time when i'm down, just when it's REALLY bad.
Sounds pathetic? Yea well. It's better than medication that blocks all emotion every day and makes you feel like you have black sludge where your heart used to be, and that no-one and nothing means anything to you!
I'm usualy a happy and jovial person who sees the lighter side of everything. In fact, it would seem to the outside eye that i don't take much seriously at all! Life is awesome and too short to take things too seriously! I act like it's my mission in life to bring sunshine to everyone around me's day in one way or another. But i sure make up for that carefree attitude during the downtime! It's like i'm two completely different people. Today i really can't relate to that carefree Sharron that i was a few days ago. And when i'm that carefree person, i can't relate to down sharron at all! I don't feel self pity or anything, just a desperate need to......do nothing but breathe. But life isn't a place to just do nothing and breathe. It's a place to live!
I feel no emotion while writing this post. Except when i think about what chores i have to do within the next hour or two.
And a tinge of sadness for the abnormality and confusion in my life.
I'll read this in a few days when i'm out of the down time, and maybe add a post about the up time.
Just watch the contrast :o/
