The Thought Vortex

2011-09-07T20:38:00.000-07:00

John has just had two weeks off work. Jason has been home for two weeks as well. One week, because we went away, and the second week because he was sick.
I loved having my boys home and now they are back at work/school. Daniel is going to bed between 10-11am and sleeps for 3-4 hours. And you know what? I'M LOVING THE SPACE!!! I do what i have to do around the house. And then what? Whatever i want!!!
I love being by myself
Just love it.

Missing Links

2011-08-03T06:58:00.000-07:00

I love Daniel sooooooo much! I love him as if he were my own child. However.....
The reality is that i have a child who is really Daniels mother, but she isn't of sound mind to raise him. And i don't see that happening any time soon. I have resigned myself to the fact that Daniel will be with us until he is a man, and i am happy with that. I am looking forward to guiding him through his milestones in life, and being there for him through the good and bad times.
But it is always in my mind that Alix is his mother, and one day, she might wake up and get her life to a point where she can, and is willing to, look after Daniel herself.
John and i will fight for Daniel. We have vowed to stand for him and fight for his best interests, through thick and thin. It will NEVER get too hard! We love him and we WILL fight!
But Alix is his mother and i am Alix's mother. If i were to be completely honest, the ultimate outcome for me right now, is that Alix would get her life together, and be able to raise her own son. And i could spoil Daniel as a grandparent does.
There is a missing link here, and that link is Alix. I wish so much that things were different. For her and for Daniel, to experience the circle of life as it's supposed to be.
But i carry this burdon alone as everyone else feels that Daniel belongs with John and I. I feel guilty when Daniel calls me 'Mum', even though i am the closest thing to a Mum that he has. I can never buy him one of those tacky T-shirts that say things like, "Mum's little helper".
I love Daniel as if he were my own child, and i will raise him as God has entrusted me to. But a part of me still yearns for the relationships to be something they are not, and will probably never be.

Expect The Unexpected

2010-11-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in a shop this morning, feeding Daniel, When i watched a rough looking guy cross the street toward the shop. He had denim jeans on, a worn denim jacket. Although he was clean, his very balding hair was messy and blowing around in the breeze. He didn't look like he smiled much. He did look quite rough, but not like a street bum, y'know what i mean?
Well this guy stood out to me because of one minor detail: He had a lilac flower sticking out of his pocket - the last thing i'd expect to see! And that made me smile :o)

Yay...NOT!

2010-11-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

I've tried to explain to my kids about getting older. Why we don't really like it after a certain age, and how they might understand that we really can relate to them.
I myself feel like i'm still 18. My mind stayed 18, but my body kept growing older . I'm actually a lot more childish than someone my age [nearly 40] and i like it that way. [in fact, i've planned it that way, to a certain degree] Farts are still funny. I still laugh when someone hurts themselves [with consideration], i still drive fast through big puddles, And i will happily watch Sponge bob Square pants when no-one else is around. But still, I think it's safe to say that mental maturing is a lot slower than physical maturing.
I've never been overly worried about getting older. I still look pretty young, and i tend to fit in more with a young age group. I get on better with my kids' friends than people my own age [coz its easier to think like them. Basic, simple thoughts.]
However, I'm turning 40 in 12 days and i'm dreading it. Being in your 30's and getting along better with kids is weird enough. But being 40 and still getting along better with kids is just creepy.
So that has left me feeling like i don't really belong. This happened when i turned 30 as well. And i haven't gotten over turning 30 yet, and here i am turning 40!
I might have to think about investing more time into serious [boring], mature, [mundane] and sensible [*gag*] relationships. And doing more constructive things with my life...

I'm getting a headache just thinking about it

2010-10-25T21:26:00.000-07:00

I'm having the worst freakin few days ever! I feel like i'm going to explode at any given opportunity!
So i figured i'd come here to let off steam, coz i can't do it anywhere else.
Here's what's shitting me....
It started on Sunday night when i'd finaly had enough of the kids not doing thier chores properly, trying to protest that they do, yet not making any effort to hide that they hadn't.
The next morning [yesterday], Rose somehow managed to explode a bottle of red hair dye all over the bathroom, some of the dining room, and some of the kitchen. It stained and now it looks like there's been a brutal murder in the house! John is away on business and is going to FREAK when he sees it!

Then the dog got bored and ripped up the mattress on the back porch day bed, and dug holes in the yard.

Then Rose trashed a new fluffy throw rug that she'd spewed on, on Sunday. It can't be washed so i told her to hang it up on the line and gently hose the bit where she vomited. I went out there and she'd dragged it through mud & dog poo and drenched it in water, thus trashing it! [She didn't apoligise for that or the dye either. Just had the 'Oh well, it ws an accident" attitude >:o/ ]

Then, we have a nesting Starling in the roof . I'd asked John to block the hole last year coz the babies fall out of the nest, get stuck in the wall and die [squawking the whole time] [we can't get them out without removing whole walls]He kept putting it off and putting it off, despite my almost constant nagging about it. And now there's a baby stuck in the wall, squawking for our entire day light hours. It drives me nuts! 1. because it's suffering and there's not a dam thing i can do to help it. And 2. the constant repetitive noise drives us MAD!

Jason is now sick and last night he vomited all over his bedroom floor. I need to clean it up, but each time i go in there, i heave. So i have to leave it until i CAN do it.

Then, I've just made a really good friend, and today she was told she has cancer and they don't know how bad it is yet. My mum died of cancer and so i know how that road goes :o/

Ok i feel better now :o)

Mork From Ork?

2010-09-23T02:07:00.000-07:00

I was out shopping today with Jason & Daniel, when a stranger came up to the pram to talk to Daniel. She assumed i was the Mum [as people do] and i corrected her by saying i'm the Grandma. She gasped [literally] and the two ladies behind the counter disputed the possibility. I assured them i was and that i'm turning 40 in November. The stranger lady said i didn't look any older than 27 at the most [that's pushing it a bit lady! lol] and demanded to know what i was using on my skin. The ladies behind the counter asked if it was something currently being advertised on tele [anti-wrinkle crap] and i told them that for the past ten years, i don't wash my face with soap [just a hot washer] and then use non-oily moisturiser on my face. One of the ladies wrote that down.
Until today, i've always just thought people were flattering me when they went on about how young i look. But enough people go on about it, that i'm starting to believe them. That makes me feel really good :o)

2010-05-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

I've just had a sneaky drink at home. John and i are trying to cut down to only every-so-often, but today I'm being sneaky. Why am i confessing this? I'm trying to analyse my habit because if i can understand it, i can hopefully beat it. AA meetings are a cesspool for self pity as far as I'm concerned. The only ones i have access to, anyway.
Soooo I'm using this blog to try to beat it.
Ok so i just had a drink. I feel the buzz and it makes me feel like nothing negative matters. I feel like a better, more carefree person.
What i don't get, is why i 'need' that feeling. My life is pretty sweet - Great hubby [with good income], great kids, house in suburbia, car, good schools, great friends, great church.....So why do i need that buzz?
Is it me? Well i kinda like myself. I have imperfections like I'm not a very good housewife [i clutter] and I'm too fat for my liking. But other than that I'm really nice. I'd do anything for anyone, even people i don't like. I'm light-hearted and fun to be with. I'm loyal and thoughtful...
So why?
There must be something that I'm trying to band-aid. I just wish i knew what it was.
As a Christian, i should be using God to fill that gap. Maybe i feel guilty about wanting to use booze instead of God to fill the [who knows why] gap?
To pray about something [gap filling] requires spending time, humbling oneself, and waiting on the answers. Having a drink instantly fills the gap.
But that's a reason to feel bad about the solution, not the cause, so i won't go on that tangent.
It kinda comes back to the fat, the clutter and the booze. I just know that they are related and have thought about it before. And before i thought too much about it, i even pointed them out above as a sub issue, and tried to hide it amongst question marks.
I clutter to build a protective wall around me. I drink so i don't have to look at the clutter [or so that it doesn't matter]. I eat coz i feel defeated over the booze and clutter.

Crap!

I still need therapy.

2010-05-16T02:12:00.000-07:00

My oldest daughter has had a baby and he's absolutely beautiful! They will be staying with us until she feels confident enough in her new role to get her own place. That's ok by me coz i get lots of baby cuddles! :o)
Alix came home from hospital today and they are both settling in well. However, something has raised it's ugly head that i thought was long dead!.......
My brother died of a cot death when he was 5 months old and my mother always blamed herself. When i had Alix, she somehow transferred that fear onto me, and i became obsessed with cot death! I had to check my babies every 5 minutes to see if they were breathing, and if they were quiet for any length of time, i worried more and had to check. It really was bordering on OCD.
Jason is my youngest and i checked that he was breathing at night, up until he was about 7, then i slowly forgot about it.
Then today, Alix bought baby Daniel home. I'm trying to teach Alix the ropes of mothering. I'm trying to encourage her to let him sleep in his room, rather than holding him all the time. He's dealing with that ok. But he's been quiet for a while. And as i sat here on the computer, that old, forgotten, familiar voice popped up. "He's been quite for a while. Maybe you better go check his breathing."And i couldn't just not check him. I had to go rushing in there like a ninja, to check him...... SHIT!! I don't want to go back there, really i don't! Checking breathing every few minutes is emotionally exhausting, seriously! And i don't want to transfer that fear to my daughter. She's already over-protective as it is. So then i thought that i'd have to secretly check all the time...what's with that?
I guess i will just have to, while i deal with this demon in silence.

*Red Nose Day

2010-04-19T18:56:00.000-07:00

My 10yo son, Jason, has high functioning Autism. This means that he appears to be a regular kid at first glance. But he has some odd habits, way of thinking and plays differently to other kids.
He is overly affectionate with me in particular, and he likes to hold hands when we are walking down the street. He likes to hug & kiss me all the time and lounge all over me.
It's never bothered me before. In fact i've enjoyed our closeness. But Jason is a big boy.He looks more like he's 12-13, and i'm becoming aware that his over affection may look a bit too odd to people around us. Like who holds hands with their 12-13yo son while walking down the street?
Other kids are starting to snicker and i'm starting to feel awkward and maybe even....embarrassed. I hate to say that. I'm not embarrassed about Jason, just how some of this stuff looks. And i don't get that because i'm not one to care about what other people think, as long as i know i'm doing the right thing. Maybe i'm embarrassed because i should have been helping him to tone it down before now, To avoid [extra] social issues with other kids. So maybe i feel that's a reflection of my [bad] parenting.
I don't know. But i feel horrible about feeling socially awkward when my own son just wants to show me affection. Hopefully it will pass :(

The Truth Is

2010-04-18T06:27:00.000-07:00

I am drunk.
I actually prefer to be this way - well, not as bad as i am right now, but almost.
Why? I dunno. It counteracts the bi-polar medication i'm on. It increases my appetite. I pee a lot.
I feel like a 'better' person when i've been drinking, i know that much. I feel like i might be more desirable to be around. My kids think i'm more fun [even if they don't know why].
I can relax around Alix, someone who normally irritates the crap out of me!
My inadequacies don't matter. What inadequacies?
I'm fat and hate myself for it!
It doesn't matter that i can't find the daily motivation to deal with it properly.Each day is one big fail after the other in that regard.
I suck as a housewife.
I don't have a paying job to help with the bills.
I have done absolutely nothing with my life that i can tell my kids/husband about. Nothing that matters, and that bothers me all the freakin time!
And more recently, i can't be honest with my own sister, the one person that matters most outside my immediate family, without alienating her completely.
I just feel like a fuckin failure all the damn time, no matter what choices i make in life!
...Anyway....
None of that matters when i'm drunk.
I'm supposed to rely on God to help with those things. So why don't i?
Good question. Getting drunk is an easy, expensive fix that requires no waiting period.
FAIL
I feel numb.
And yet i have no 'real' things to hide from. Just life. That makes me feel weak but i can't help it.
If i drink i feel nothing. But why do i need to feel nothing? Dunno.
Hiding from something i don't know about? Dunno
Avoiding something popping up from my past? Doubt it.
I don't want to spend my life in a drunken blur. I feel better, health wise, when i don't drink. And yet i do. Does that make sense?
Fuck.

Stiff Upper Lip

2010-04-07T04:23:00.000-07:00

I really feel like life is crushing me a bit at the moment...
Our troubled teenage daughter has moved back home & She's pregnant [due next month].
She didn't want the baby once the [maybe] dad left the picture and so John & i was going to raise him.
Since then, John has decided he doesn't want to do that [for reasons that are perfectly understandable] but being clucky as i am, my romantic side is mourning that possibility a bit, because i'd prepared myself for that.
Since Alix moved back in, she's been Mrs. Negative about everything and sucks the very life out of the house, every single day. I just feel the need to get away from her all the time!

Rose is getting into the Goth/Emo thing [and has been since before Alix came home] and if we don't all want to talk about her hair or possible piercings, she doesn't seem to want to talk to us. Rose is one of my favourite people and i feel the loss of the relationship that is naturally slipping away into teen hood.

I can't find a job and i feel bad about not being able to contribute to the family income that i know gets John down.

I don't feel overly close to John right now. I want to, but i feel as if he is overwhelmed by everything too [work. home life]. I'd like to re-spark things between us [be romantic etc] but everything i try, my efforts get thwarted by circumstances.

My health isn't too good at the moment. For some reason, i feel fluey after dark every night. I can't find anything on Google about it and i don't want my doctor saying i'm imagining things coz it doesn't make sense.

I tried to clear things up with my sister after our argument. I called her and she didn't seem to want to talk about it but after she expressed that she was hurt, she said it was all good and we could move on. But we haven't. I haven't heard from her since, and i still feel that loss but don't know what else to do with it.

My ex-husband is trying to pick a fight with me over the e-mail, after telling me to 'lose his contact details' because child maintenance went after him for back payment, which is something out of my control...sigh...

My Dad has been diagnosed with cancer. The same cancer that stole my mother. He told my sister and i thought he would tell me. I mean, isn't that the right thing to do, as a parent? But he hasn't. Maybe he doesn't feel close enough to me to share that. That would really, really suck!

I just feel a bit ambushed & depressed at the moment and it feels yucky. I'd like to run away and hide somewhere for a while, but i'm the Mum, so i can't do that.

Family Feuds

2010-02-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

I've had a huge argument with my only sister whom i love more than anything[and her husband] a few days ago, about something that we just can't see eye to eye on, even the situation itself! They are upset about one part of the situation and we [Both John & i] are upset about another part. They can't understand our hurt & we feel that what they are upset about isn't part of the problem. Other than, I said something horrible to her when i felt totally disregarded by her, that i knew would cut. I can't take it back, but i don't think it's worth losing a sister over. They feel hurt, we feel hurt, and i just don't see a happy ending :o(

2010-02-07T15:21:00.000-08:00

Something about my children leaves me quite speechless. We keep a plastic cup in the bathroom for mouth rinsing after brushing our teeth. Sometimes it falls off the sink. But the kids don't bother picking it back up after they've dropped it, they go to the kitchen to get another one! So if i don't clean the bathroom for a while, we end up with a collection of cups on the floor.
It can't be out of laziness that they don't pick it up. Because it would take less energy to pick it up and give it a quick rinse than it would to go to the kitchen to get another cup.

Go figure!

Babies Having Babies

2010-01-14T22:15:00.000-08:00

Alix is having a baby. She is 17 and alone and having a baby. At first i was really angry. Angry that she'd made the choice to fall pregnant. Angry that she would plan to bring a baby into this world with no prospects.At the time she was living on the streets. She has no job, no money, no plans. She wasn't prepared to give up drugs, booze and unsafe sex. She just wanted a baby because it was a novalty idea, like bringing a kitten home, with no thought what so ever to the future. I couldn't believe an offspring of mine could bo so, so selfish! At that time, i didn't care about Alix, all i could think about was this poor baby, destined to be destitute.

I was also angry because she had forced me into being a grandparent. I'm young and hip and way too young and groovy to be a grandmother, dam it! And too old to probably be a parent again!

But over time the baby's situation has grown on me. I have accepted that i'm now a grandparent. John and i have accepted that we'll probably end up raising this baby as our own.

I've talked Alix into moving back to our town so i can set her up in a flat and help her be a mother when the time comes.

She has no realistic idea of what is going to happen to her life in a few short months and she won't listen to anyone or even go to pre-natel classes. But my mission is to make sure this baby is loved and protected, no matter what.

She is having a boy and his name will be Jesse or Jez. Here he is at her 5 month ultrasound :o)

Volcanic Compounding

2009-12-30T22:30:00.000-08:00

My husband, John is REALLY annoying the hell out of me at the moment! In fact, i'd go as far as to say our marriage is in trouble.
We've been together 11 years and i've always thought the sun shone out of his butt. But over the last say 4 months, it's like i had rose coloured glasses and they've fallen off.
It's little things that bother me and they are all building up. But the major thing that is really getting to me is the fact that he's apparently falling apart. Every day he complains about not feeling well somewhere [or a few places]. He doesn't do anything about these ailments except pop a few mild pain killers. If i turn to look at him, 8 times out of 10 he's pulling a face like something is hurting him or he gives a look as if to say, "Eh, what do you do!". It's like he needs constant sympathy for the tiniest thing and he really doesn't want any of it [if it's there] to get better. At first i would give him sympathy, but it got tiring, and now i just want to punch him in the face [lol]
He's 45 and unfit, living on a crap diet, so he's getting aches and pains, sure. But it's something new every day! If we make plans to do something he always falls ill as well. He knows how to avoid most of his afflictions [such as indigestion] but he doesn't.
I am 39, over 400lbs, and i get sore and achy too...a lot! But i don't gripe and whine about every little creak and pinch.
I have told John that it bothers me that he whinges about every little thing. So then he doesn't tell me about anything, even if it's serious. It's like every tiny thing is serious and so he can't separate them. Go to the damn doctor if there's something persisting!
It's driving me mad, seriously. I can't shrug it off anymore and with every complaint it's compounding in my head.
We are going to a new years party tonight. We don't go out often so i'm looking forward to it. Well guess what? Just before, he had to rush outside coz he felt like he had to vomit....sigh....Another night out on my own while John stays home to play World Of Warcraft. And i instantly got raging mad!! [He didn't see it] I don't verbalise it because he'd just accuse me of being cold and uncaring. But it's getting to the point where i don't want to be around him anymore, because i don't want to get angry a bit more over the next complaint.
I don't know what to do about it. But on the other hand, he can see me getting more and more distant, and doesn't seem too interested in why.

Update: After airing all that, i feel a lot better about it and the bubbling volcano has gone back to being just settled lava lol

3 Little Words

2009-12-28T23:16:00.000-08:00

My family and i spent Christmas with my sister and her family this year. We've never really got along in life as we are two totaly different people. But i tried a bit harder to tune into her this time 'round. It bothers me that i'm closer to my girlfriends than i am to my own sister, and i would do anything to change that. I'm not willing to have the "that's just the way it is" attitude.
But this time 'round was different. More relaxed and open.
When we'd arrived home and got sorted, she sent me a text that simply said, "Miss you already." And those 3 words made my whole Christmas complete! :o))

Hypocritical Gayness

2009-12-09T22:26:00.000-08:00

There is a woman i have worked with in the second half of the year for 2 years. She's a bit of a tomboy, in her early 40's perhaps, and i've always thought she was nice.
This year i found out she was gay. That didn't alter my opinion of her at all, and if anything our work relationship progressed. She could talk about gay/woman related stuff around me, About her new girlfriend etc, and i thought, as friends, things were coming along nicely. Nicely enough that i thought we'd still be chatty after our seasonal work had ended.
But i was wrong.
One day she walked past and noticed me working in the local Christian book shop, and she seemed a bit taken back.
Since then she seems to have gone out of her way NOT to talk to me.
Ok, so i'm one of those born again Christian types. She's worked with me for 2 years and talked openly about being gay, and i haven't made any sign of judging her or even disapproving.
What she does in her bedroom is none of my business. I value her as a person and it's not my job to pass judgement on her for anything she does. Just as it's not anyone elses job to pass judgement on me for anything i do.
Yet she seems to have done the very same thing to me, that gay people hate the most.
Maybe she's had a bad run in with Christians in the past? I dunno. But i thought we might have got to a point where she could say that.
It's very sad that we couldn't be friends..very sad!

Nature Vs Nurture?

2009-11-22T23:38:00.000-08:00

I haven't been here for a while coz i've kinda gone off the blogging thing and moved on over to Face Book.
Stuff happens all the time, and i think, Oh i should blog that! But then i put it off and put it off...you know how it goes.
But i'm going to try and post here more often. I really do want to. I'm just slack!
So, on to today's blither!....

I have two beautiful daughters. Both raised be me, with the same household rules, in the same middle class Australian suburbia.
The oldest Alix is 17 [i've written about her lots on here] and she is the most narcissistic person i've ever known! I seriously can't fathom that she came from me! She has always been self centred with very little to no empathy for others. In fact she enjoys watching others get hurt.
She has serious anger issues, doesn't care what she looks like, how others see her, and blames all her life's problems on the terrible way she was "treated", growing up. Never taking responsibility for any of her own actions. She has always been abrasive and impossible to reason with for as long as i can remember.
She thinks the world owes her everything and she's continuously stepping up to claim it.
She is completely boy crazy, couldn't wait to lose her virginity, and now can't even tell you how many guys she's slept with, at 17! [[Today she's about 3 months pregnant & doesn't know who the father is]
She never tried at school and dropped out as soon as she was legally able.
We can't see eye to eye on anything and i find it very difficult to be around her at any given time, and vice versa. Even though i found it hard being with Alix, i never stopped looking for things in common and looking for ways to relate. Regardless, Alix has and continues to treat me like i'm the No 1 enemy.
She moved out of home 3 years ago - she couldn't wait to leave!

Then there's Rose, 13. She has always been the sweetest thing and she just draws people to her.
She would do anything for anyone. She has a great sense of humour, a healthy sense of justice in the world, is one of the most responsible kids i know, is fair in every situation she's put in, freely acknowledges when she's done something wrong and immediately takes steps to correct it.
She dresses modestly and cares about what other people think about her, how she conducts herself, and her actions.
She doesn't put too much importance in boys. In fact, last year she dumped her [second] "boyfriend" because he kissed her on the cheek without permission. She has a boyfriend now and she's just allowed him to hold her hand. It's very cute.
She's an "A" student and loves school to the point of nerdiness. She has a plan for her life.
I get on with Rose really well and i really enjoy spending time with her.

I don't understand how my two girls can be so very different. I tried to treat them equally. Admittedly, Alix was disciplined more because her behaviour warranted it. But i tried to be fair in everything i did and it was important for them to know that i did whatever i did coz i love[d] them.

They had minimal chores that are the basics - Feed the pets, clean your room, be home at a reasonable hour, and put the rubbish out. One thought that was unfair and the other thought that was an easy ride. Every day, the huge gap of similarities between the two grows bigger, and i just don't get it.

Nature Versus nurture? Hhmmmmm This one's got me stumped!

Violence Against Women?

2009-07-04T02:39:00.000-07:00

I need to have a soapbox moment about violence against women.
My mother went from one violent relationship to another as my sister and i were growing up. Then, as we thought that was what relationships were about, we went from one violent relationship to another as we matured into women ourselves.
I've been married twice. My first husband was violent. Not the sort to directly hit [much], but he pushed me into things and threw things at me etc.
Now i'm with a wonderful man [and have been for 11 years] who has never even raised his voice to me.
But i have thought about the violence we lived with over the years, and although i don't approve of violence against women, there are degrees.
I personally feel that if, in the height of anger, a woman says to a known physically aggressive man, "Go on, Hit me. You know you want to...go on...do it.." Then she's asking for it. If a woman hits a man first, in any way other than self defense, she's also asking for it.
I know women who do that and i have no sympathy for them what so ever when they cry "wife abuse' afterwards. In fact, it annoys me.
For this opinion i have been criticised. ANY violence towards women it NOT ok, Weather she does the above things or not! [apparently]
But there are 2 sides to every story. So a man who's trying very hard NOT to hit his wife, and hears constantly, "Go on and hit me coz you'll feel like a man...go on." is criticised when he relents and does it, just to shut her up.
Or that same aggressive man is supposed to restrain himself when his wife is egging him on by punching him in the face.
I don't think so.
If a woman wants to act like a 'man', then she shouldn't complain when she gets treated like one.

There is a big difference between women defending themselves against and antagonising thier men.

Diamonds In The Rough

2009-04-16T00:08:00.000-07:00

We went on a holiday two weeks ago to the Gold Coast [QLD Australia] to see Alix, my oldest daughter.
Let me brief you on the background of Alix: Alix has always been a tormented rebel who just can't follow rules, accept responsibility, or commit to anything. Ever since she was born she's been a self centred handful who never really fit in to any group or crowd. Never really had any friends that weren't out to use her for their own social gain.
She's always been very lonely, but never open to any suggestions to help her out of it.
So at 14 she went to live with her father [her choice] in Brisbane. She quickly got in with a rough crowd and became a punky street kid, living out of soup kitchens, stealing her clothes/jewelry, getting backyard tattoos and sleeping where ever, with who ever. She thinks she's tough and can handle anything. Every parent's second worst nightmare! [other than abduction].

So when we went up there to see her and we were kinda worried about what we'd find.
When i saw her, it was like nothing had changed. She's still my baby :o)
We went to lunch with her and my ex, then went back to his place to check out his snake collection etc. Alix tried to get some money out of me for a party, but i wouldn't give it to her. She lost all interest in spending time with us then, and ditched us. She went back to her friends in the city, and left us to holiday on our own, without her.

The next day we went to the Queen St mall in Brisbane to do some shopping. From a distance, i saw Alix, with her back to us, standing with her group of wannabe punk homies. She was wearing her stolen clothes and wore thick, gothy make up.
Time stood still for a moment. And as i looked at her, for the first time in her 16 years, she actually fit somewhere...She belonged somewhere. And as i looked at her in that crowd,she looked so very beautiful to me, and in that instant, i was re-affirmed that she would be alright.
She just looked so beautiful :o)

Me and Alix :o)

Changing Winds

2009-02-21T22:24:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday, my precious son was officially diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome and it has changed our lives.

Up until now he has just been "A little odd", doing odd things and having odd points of view. But mostly he has just been Jason, one of a kind, and a bit of an oddball [like the rest of us]. But apparently his problems run much deeper than that, and his life will never be "normal". He'll never quite "get it", and he'll always have relationship issues and struggle with simple things.

His doctor told me that he could just not label him if it suited me, but i said i wanted the best for Jason, and if the "label" meant him getting all the help he could get to help him function, then so be it.

So as i write there are referrals and certificates being sent through the mail with the words, "It is our finding that Jason has Aspergers syndrome".

It shouldn't hurt, but for some reason it does. Jason will still be just our "odd" boy, and i'll still hug him all the time. But it hurts to know that it's not something he'll grow out of, and eventually he'll probably learn to hate his differences. It just sucks!

I spose that means i should stop calling him a "tard" now lol

Pretend Wrestling

2009-01-10T18:25:00.000-08:00

When i was a kid [aged 4-11ish] i loved watching the wrestling. But in the 70's it was real wrestling. I had my favs and i knew everything about the talent. As far as i can remember it was only NZ wrestling.
But i grew out of it or it lost it's popularity and vanished from TV, one of the two.
Then WWS and WWE etc came into popularity. I never watched it and i didn't want my kids watching it. In fact, whenever i saw an add on TV or knew one of the kids' friends was watching it, my only thought was, "I don't want the kids watching that crap." My memories as a kid were of "real" wrestling. Then this new stuff comes in and it's all fake, rehearsed and with stupid characters. Why bother wasting time on it?
Then, two nights ago i was staying up late, doing scrapbook stuff on the computer. The kids were long asleep and the tele was on in the background, And the WWE came on. I've never watched it and didn't intend to now.
But as soon as it started, with all it's rehearsed fakeness, My childhood interest came flooding back and i was glued to it with wide eyes! I knew it was dumb but i couldn't stop it! All the excitement and adrenaline i felt as a kid came flooding back and it was awesome!

I even knew the characters names for some reason, and that's kinda scary. Somewhere in my mind i must have taken in that information with some level of subconscious interest that i was unaware of over the years. How very bizarre!

Me, a church-going mum who enjoys scrap booking and gardening, who also now wants to watch professional pretend wrestling. I am amused by this! lol

Being Catty

2008-12-26T15:52:00.000-08:00

I have a 6yo pug called Princess. Since i was 19, i wanted a pug. But could never afford one till we moved into this house.
She is a lovely dog and she's my buddy, but her typical pug habits drive me nuts! She adores me so every minute she's awake, she's staring at me. The only time she's not staring at me is if she's sleeping or when we are going walkies.
She follows me everywhere and stares. It kinda feels like something out of a horror movie lol
Food is her second priority in life and she constantly checks my hands when i walk into the room to see if there's any food in them. Even though i'm consistent with her feeding.
We have to lock her up when friends with small kids come to visit, because she'll attack the children if i show them any affection.
She snores loudly even when she's awake.
I understand that these things are normal pug things. But i wasn't aware of them before i bought her.
Well...to tell the truth, i probably would have still bought her even if i did know that stuff.
This will sound very terrible, but even though i love Princess and the thought of her not being around is not a desirable one, she has single handedly turned me from a dog person to a cat person! lol

Serious Oddities

2008-12-19T19:20:00.000-08:00

I'm going to talk about something that i find veeery odd, even for me.
My ex- husband, George, is in a big spot of bother. Our daughter, Alix, has let him down big time .But i don't feel responsible for that. He kinda bought it on himself in a few ways. He lets her walk all over him. But in all fairness, He's only been a parent for the past few years, so he's still learning [too slowly, but still...]
I've spoken to him a lot over the past few weeks, while trying to contact Alix.
And he's really in a bad way. He has no money, he's living on food scraps and smoking second hand smoke butts [don't ask!] and still trying to be there for Alix, who's not even living there!
I don't like my ex husband. I think he is spineless and weak as a man. And lets not forget a narcissistic emotional abuser with violent tendencies, which is why we broke up. [And since then i've met and married Mr Awesome and we've been together for 10 years]
But over the past couple of weeks his situation has touched me and i feel this bizarre need to look after him. I'd like him to move closer so i can look after him, by cooking meals and helping him pay bills, and being there to emotionally support him etc.
I don't feel romantically attached to him [At all!!!], i just feel the need to "rescue" him. And that's odd, coz i don't even like him! lol
John, AKA Mr Awesome, is irritated by this because he feels that George has bought this all on himself. But i can't help it. George doesn't know any of this of coarse. We'll just have to put it down as a "Sharronism" lol

Morality

2008-12-14T11:35:00.000-08:00

Tonight i went out to the local pub/restaurant with other mums from our local school. I took my own alcohol as it was cheaper, and snuck it into my glass when no-one was looking. I've done that since i was a teenager lol
I got pretty sloshed but it was a good night. My first proper night out in 6 years actually!
An hour before we left, we went to the poker machines. I don't use poker machines because i have a highly addictive personality so it's best just to stay away from things that i know to be problematic.
A guy who was my supervisor at my job was in the poker room with us. He kept wanting to chat so i talked with him. Then he started buying me drinks [because he'd won on Keno so why not?] and that was OK. But then he started flirting and quite openly, and going on about how nice i am.
He's a really nice guy and i really was quite flattered, but it was my priority to let him know that I'm very happily married [To a gorgeously spunky man i might add!]
Both of us were a little intoxicated. Well, i was. I don't know how far gone he was. and here's the reason for my post.
His pocket was filled with $50 notes that he'd won on Keno. Every time he bought me a drink, he gave me a $50 note and asked me to get him a beer while i was getting myself a drink.
Every time i took him his drink, he didn't ask for his change. But i gave it to him anyway, because it was the right thing to do.
But i have to admit, things are really tight for us at the moment where money is concerned. And each time i returned with change, i contemplated taking advantage of his lack of care for this new money by not giving it back.
How long did i think about it?
10 years ago i wouldn't have thought twice about keeping it and waited for him to ask for it back.
But now, 10 years on, i couldn't do it. I coulda made a couple of hundred bucks off this guy, but i didn't. The dishonest thoughts were very fleeting ones.
Now I'm home, and even more intoxicated! I still feel flattered about my supervisor flirting with me. I feel kinda sexy actually :o)
I'm really glad that my level of honesty has grown over the years, and that my moral fibre isn't swayed by an attractive man with a few $$!

Go me!

Complicated Webs

2008-12-09T22:08:00.000-08:00

My oldest daughter, Alix-16yo, is living in Brisbane QLD. She is living how she wants whitch is pretty much on the street. I had hoped her life would get better than this, but it just seems to be getting worse all the time. Everyone who knows her just wants to rescue her, from herself. But she really doesn't want to be rescued. She just wants to live in the moment, in the "naughiness" of it all.

However, I, her mother, the one who nurtured her and kissed her grazes as a small child, feel as distant from her as a person can get. Her life is one big drama ,and untill she learns some kind of responsibility and meaning, it'll just escalate.

At the moment she is living with a bunch of people she feels are just like herself [thats scary!] and she's sleeping with whoever she can get something from.

She ripped her father off to the point where he'll be spending Christmas alone because she bled him dry and he can't even afford to travel to be with his family. And because she knows he has no money to buy her anything, she has ditched him and said she won't spent Christmas with him.

With every story i hear about Alix, i draw further and further away. And today i don't even feel as if she was born from me. Like she is a separate part of a complex universe. Like a Friends daughter or a distant relative. But not born from me.
Even though i couldn't help it, I felt guilty about that for a while. But i don't anymore, because i know she feels the same way.

I'll always love Alix on one level or another. But for now she just seems so unreachable. And I'm happy for her to be that way.

Invisable Presents

2008-12-06T21:28:00.000-08:00

When i was 11 or 12 years old it was either 1981 or 1982. At Christmas on one of those years, someone unexpectedly came to our door with a food parcel. Well, maybe Mum expected it, but us kids sure didn't.
In that box was every day food items, some Christmas food and some wrapped kids presents for my sister and I. I don't remember what the other present was but mine was a game of Chinese checkers and i loved it!
I didn't realise it then, but that gift of giving would become one of my most treasured memories.
I wish there was some way that i could track down whoever gave us that ordinary cardboard box with the extra-ordinary present. Because the unseen present in that box was the heart to pass it on by spending a life looking for ways to give to others.

How Much Does Dignity Cost?

2008-11-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

I have a job as a casual, packing Christmas hampers. I really like this job, especially the social interaction, and i look forward to going each day. At first, I didn't need this job. I just wanted to get out of the house and help contribute to the household income for my own peace of mind. But now we kinda rely on it, with Christmas coming an' all.
It's nearly Christmas and most of the hampers should have been delivered by now, but there were problems with missing stock and the past two weeks were spent waiting for the new stock to arrive.
Today we went back to work and the whole day was horrible! The two supervisors [aged 22 and 19 mind you] now have to work us extra hard to get the hamper orders out, but they are going about it the wrong way. The main supervisor is barking orders at us like we are second rate citizens. "Work harder, faster, more efficient, do it better!" We are people, working at a good rate for those 4 specifications, but it's not good enough. I gave 110% today [As most of us did], with no praise, just constant complaint about how fast the hampers AREN'T getting done!
I had a really sore back due to the type of work i was doing. When there was a break in boxes going past, i sat for 10 seconds to give my back a much needed break. The second supervisor saw me from across the factory and yelled at me, "Stand up!" I did stand up, but i glared at him. Causing him to shake his head as he walked past.
At the finish of our shift, we were asked to stay an extra half an hour. I said i couldn't because i needed to pick up my kids. The first supervisor said, "I don't want to hear excuses! If you are going to go, just go!" And i did.
I love this job, but today i left feeling like a Jewish slave in Egypt - just without the whip! I felt belittled, used, and irrelevant & I didn't want to go back...ever.
I came home and had a soak in the bath to heal my muscle soreness & I moaned to my refuge, my darling husband.
Then i got a text from my boss, asking me to go back tomorrow. I thought about it for a couple of hours.
We need the money, but at what cost? My dignity and self respect for $17.36 per hour?

I said i would do it and now i feel dirty, as though i have sold a part of my soul :o(

I Just Dunno!

2008-11-20T19:55:00.000-08:00

This show is on tele every day just after the kids get home from school. I hate this show. I don't say that lightly, i REALLY hate this show!!!

It's a pre-school programme that is on during older kids shows [8-12yo]

It's annoyingly repetitive repetitive repetitive with an incredible lack of imagination and i can't stand it!!! Rose & Jason can't stand it either!!

But why is it an issue? An issue enough to write a blog post about it? I can just turn the tele off or put a DVD on for the kids, right? WRONG!! Even though the show is dreaded by all of us, it has a hypnotic quality and we kinda HAVE to watch it!

For me, it is this guy, DJLanceRock. He appears to be an openly gay queen and he alone has hypnotic qualities. I just HAVE to watch him! He dances around at the end of the show, with no inhibitions at all. As if he was dancing in front of a mirror in his bedroom. I need to watch this and It's very bizzare!

Somebody heeeeelp meeeeeeeeeeee.........

Reconciliation

2008-11-19T13:48:00.000-08:00

When i was at work a few weeks ago, there wasn't really much to do so i took a cardboard box and went around the production line picking up rubbish, being silly as i went along. A couple of Aboriginal guys were opening boxes and i said to one young man who'd just ripped some sellotape off a box, "I'll take your rubbish thanks, Sir." and at that moment, time slowed down and we just looked at each other.
In a country where reconciliation between native and white Australia is considerably slow on both sides, a white woman calling a young dark man "Sir" seemed surprisingly touching to this man and the fact that it touched him, in turn touched me. But it was sad that it surprised him too.
I just smiled at him and went along my way.
I'm glad that happened, it was a really nice moment between two strangers :o)

Weed, anyone?

2008-10-22T21:24:00.000-07:00

What is a garden weed? I would say a weed is a plant that takes over the garden and strangles other [wanted] plants in it's way.
But some 'weeds are pretty. In our part of Australia there are pink/purple wild poppies that grow on the side of some roads. There are also some orange ones that only flower for half a day before the petals fall off. Both poppies are very pretty, but they both spread like wild fire and the foliage of both plants isn't very appealing.
But i have put these poppies in my garden and they look lovely. I also have thistles because they are pretty. But when they finish flowering i pull the plant out so they don't spread around.
The following year the orange poppies come up everywhere. But i just pull them out where ever i don't want them.
There's no reason why a "weed" can't be a lovely asset to a flower garden. I have more trouble trying to control a ground covering succulent that i do these weeds. [I'm sure this thing grows at the speed of light!]
Weed freedom i say!!

The orange Poppies

The pink/purple Poppies. Looks nice amongst the irises huh?

The Cookie Bandit

2008-10-09T22:44:00.000-07:00

I have started working on a production line and we have tea/coffee/milk/sugar supplies to us [although usually one of those is missing]
I decided to start taking a container full of biscuits [Cookies] every so often. Not often enough for people to take them for granted, But enough that people might wonder if there'll be biscuits that day.
No-one knows i bring them unless they see me bring them out, and i don't want gratitude for them. There are a lot of young guys working out there, and as a mother of teens/tweens i just know they aren't eating anything for breakfast at 5am.
It's something un-necessary yet worthwhile to me and i like doing it.
I like to sit back and watch people take the biscuits. I like to see what ones they take and what they complain/comment on. And i take that into consideration for the next lot of biscuits.

It's very satisfying to do something for others [mostly strangers] without the praise :o)

How Bad Is Bad?

2008-09-19T23:53:00.000-07:00

Does this picture bother you? It sure as heck bothered me when i found it on the net! And yet it fits this post soooo well!
I started at a new job today [yay!] on a production line. and during a break i talked to the young man i was working with. He is a lovely guy who is only about 17-18yo and [I don't know how the convo got around to this] he was telling me about how his 12yo sister is dating an 18yo man. [This isn't the first case i've heard about recently either] Of course i expressed concern about that, and he went on to say that his cousins and nieces of the same age [11-13] all can't wait to get in on the dating/sex scene and prep themselves for it with clothes and make up etc. He spoke about it like it was a normal way of life. He had the attitude of, "Yea well, they are starting younger these days." I just wanted to grab him by the shoulders, shake him madly, and scream, "Are you crazy?!?! Let's find these guys and beat the shit out of them!!!" and then report them to the police!
I find this really shocking! I have a daughter aged 12 and to me she is still a baby in the ways of the world. She still plays with her Baby Born and her Barbies. She makes Duplo/Lego houses and plays her recorder while sitting on the trampoline. She spends more time with our cats and her DS than her freinds.
And yet there are 12yos out there having adult "relationships" with 18yo men? And people see this as ok?? I spose with young girls listening to and idolising women such as The Pussycat dolls [John calls them the prostitute dolls which is much more fitting!] etc, the wrong message is the bold as brass one. [Which is why i don't let my kids listen to this crap]
I really hate that we live in a world that is ruled by money and sex, regardless of age. In fact it literally hurts my heart. What happened to the age of innocence? What happened to protecting our children from the harsh realities of "life" for as long as we could? What happened to childhood?
Am i just an old fuddy duddy?
Are my ideals old fashioned?
Am i living in the dark ages?
Am i wrapping my kids in cotton wool?
Some might say so.
But dam, my children are precious to me, and childhood is all too fleeting anyway, so i'll hold onto it for as long as i can on their behalf! I can only do what i believe to be right. And in my heart of hearts, letting my 12yo be ready to date an 18yo [ or even dress/act like she wants to] is certainly not it!

It says in the Bible that Jesus will come back when the days are as bad as they were in the time of Noah. Not that i am questioning God at all, but just how black does mans heart have to get before it's as bad as the days of Noah??

Abuse? Where!

2008-09-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

There's two things in this world that REALLY piss me off more than anything! Child abuse and animal cruelty/neglect. I'm sure i abuse my own kids sometimes [They had a fair bit of crap in their school lunches this week], and i'm sure i neglect my pets at times [When was the last time i took poor Princess for a walkies?] But when i know of people who just collect animals [coz their kids beg for them] and then don't look after them such as get them spade [but let them have litter after litter] or take them for vet visits when they are hurt [Coz it costs "too much money"] and just let them roam around the streets or shut them out at night [because they can't be bothered keeping an eye on them or doing some fence work to keep them safe]
I won't think twice about calling the RSPCA on someone for Animal neglect.
And child abusers? I wouldn't hesitate to call child welfare on someone if i even had a slight suspicion that a child was being neglected or abused.
After completing Cert 3 in childcare, i had an opportunity to go for a job in child welfare. But i couldn't take it. Because the first time i had to deal with a child abuse case i'd go to prison for beating the crap out of the offending party, and i wouldn't even feel bad about it!
Children and animals don't have the voices top speak up for themselves like we do. The only sense of justice they have is the one we set for them. So it's up to us to protect them.
"Every child is every body's business" so i read somewhere once.
I don't feel great passion about many things, but these two things sit incredibly high on my priority list!!
In fact, the only two charities i support are the RSPCA and Red Nose Day. If there were charities to support abused kids, i'd be all over that like a fly on poo too!

There's my rant for a while....
So there!

And yea i'm pro-life too! Don't even get me started on that! lol

Hello Jerry....

2008-08-20T13:03:00.000-07:00

I like escalators. I like standing on them and riding to the top or bottom while looking around. I move out of the way so people can get past if they want and i just smile coz i'm having fun just standing :o)
Then, during an episode of Seinfeld [one of my fav shows] a few years back, Jerry had a bitch about people, like myself, who just stand on escalators. He said something like, "What, Do they think it's an amusement ride or something?" And i thought, "Well yea, deeerr!"
That was about 10 years ago and every time i've stood on an escalator since, Jerry has popped into my head with those smartass words [and in his voice] and i think, "That blasted Jerry, he's tainted my fun!".
And now i'll say it again, Blast that smartass Jerry! lol

Get Set, Go!

2008-08-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

My kids go to a small school [only 8 students] and once a term, they, and surrounding small schools get together for the Small Schools Sports Carnival.

As a parent i must say that it's really boring to watch! The parents sit around gas-bagging about everyone else. Then, when your kid's actually doing something, it's usually way over the other side of the oval so you can't see anyway!

I hate it.

But i like to support my kids in what they do, no matter what it is. My own parents never encouraged us with sports stuff, and i remember very clearly how discouraged and irrelevant i felt by the lack of support. So i swore i would always support my kids with school/sports stuff.

My kids don't pay any attention to me while I'm there. They hang out with their friends and do whatever's happening. I just sit along the side of the oval and eat overcooked pies from the canteen and too much overpriced soft drink.

And yet the kids need me to be there. If i suggest that i might not go, they immediately protest, causing me to relent.

Today, as i watched them [during a sports carnival] i sat there wondering why they would want me there when they don't even pay any attention to me or sit with me.

And yet it makes me smile :o)

It's a strange and curious thing to ponder.

Distant Sisters

2008-07-31T15:55:00.000-07:00

I was visiting my sister a few weeks ago.
We have a running joke that i'll stay with her or vice versa untill we start argueing, whitch usualy only takes a couple of days. We are 18 months apart, quite different and apparently rub each other the wrong way and offend each other easily.
Well, when i went down there this time, i was determined to just observe and no matter what, not get offended by anything, but look at what was leading to it.
It's quite difficult for me because i love my sister with a passion and i can see past our differences, but i seem to just annoy her. We spent most of our early lives with it just being us and our mum. There were other relatives, but it was mostly just us 3.
Now that mum is gone [and has been for 9 years], i kinda feel like my sister is my only "real" family left. Like we are kindered spirits in the memory of our past. We know things about each other that no-one else would even understand!
I always invisioned that when we grew up we'd be there for each other, and be able to talk about anything.
We have different opinions and memories of our mum, but that's only natural, all siblings do.
When it boils down to it, we are the only people who really know each other. Or do we?

We should, but we don't. During this last visit, i observed some interesting things.
1. I am closer to ALL of my girlfreinds than i am to my own sister [One of which i've only been freinds with for a year and a half.]
2.She tenses up when i'm physicaly too close to her. [she didn't even want to stay close enough to get her photo taken with me]
3. She doesn't like to be alone with me for too long.
4. She doesn't want to talk about anything that crosses the personal boundry.
5. Most of the time, when she looks at me, she frowns :o(
6. I tried being funny, serious, smart, stupid [pretty much describes my usual day lol] but they all got the same response - all of the above.

I tried to find an opportunity to approach the subject of "why?" but it never came along within 3 days. We went for a drive to another town one day, with the kids. We seemed to find a common ground during that time. We laughed together and talked about casual stuff. I thought it was great, and maybe when we got back to her place, and away from the kids, we could talk. But it didn't work out that way.

I am a church going person, but i don't push it down her throat [or even mention "Goddy" stuff without her lead].
I get along with different people from different walks of life, yet i can't reach my own sister. I've known this person for 36 years, and we can't co-habit?
I don't understand it, but it's the one thing in my life that i desprately want to change!
How can i get closer to my own sister? How can i encourage her to want to be closer to me? How do i tell her that i want to be closer when we can't even talk about personal stuff?

Or do i just leave it alone?

Lovey Dovey

2008-07-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

The kids and i are away at the moment. A 6 hour drive away from home visiting my sister and her family.
I miss Johnny terribly and i feel like a love sick teenager! I know when he's going to call and i get all excited as that time draws nearer. My heart flutters when i think of him and i smile. I feel just like i did when he was my boyfriend and I'd wait for him to call me after work.
I'd been having a few doubts about some relationship stuff of late [Just wondering if everything was getting too mundane to cut a long story short], So it's really nice to know that those electric feelings are still there in full force after all these years on my part. After all, where there's smoke, there's fire! :o)

Bi-Polar - The Change Time

2008-07-15T12:11:00.000-07:00

After some great advice, i decided to start using the Bi-Polar meds my doctor had prescribed. It was at the very least, worth a shot!
I started using them on Wednesday and i noticed a change immediatly. My thoughts started slowing down to a nice calm right away. I didn't realise i had rapid thought patterns before. I can feel the wiring inside my brain altering, and it's great. This is the start of something life changing :o)

Uummmmm

2008-07-12T23:02:00.000-07:00

Tonight i was putting Jason to bed and he said that he would hate it if i went away. I explained that the only way I'd "go away" is if Jesus saw fit to take me home, and then I'd wait for him on the other side. Other than that, I ain't going anywhere! But he started crying at the thought of me leaving. I felt terrible. I just didn't know what to say :o/

What do you say to that? I assured him that i wasn't planning on going anywhere, and i hugged him and stroked his hair.

That was an hour ago and i still feel bad that i didn't know what to say to make him feel better :o/

Bipolar - The Down Time

2008-07-05T17:56:00.000-07:00

As some people may know, I have had ADD since childhood. That's no real biggy except when it comes to remembering things [i'm medicated for ADD but with the memory, i'm on my own!]. But i probably have bipolar syndrome as well. I say 'probably' because i like to deny it passive aggressively.
I have to see a shrink and the one medicine he gave me for bipolar effected me soooo badly with side effects, that it scared me off trying anything else! REALLY scared me! Every appointment i have with him is just spent with him lecturing me on using meds.
I would like to try to tackle the symptoms in other ways, individually, but the doctor thinks the 'quick fix' is the better way to go. I can't help but think that the meds will somehow make it worse. I've heard from other bipolar people that even if the meds do work, instead of working on the symptoms, they just make you feel emotionally numb. Not just during the down times, but the up times too. And i don't think i could think of much worse!
When i had my oldest daughter, i got phsycotic post natal depression that lasted two loooong years. And the medicine i was given for that made me emotionally numb, and it was awful! I felt like a robot, and my precious daughter missed out on a mother :o(
However, i can't go on the way i am. The down times have always been just as frequent as the up times through my life, unlike regular bipolar. They swing for up for a few days, then down for a few days and so on. One day i'm on top of the world and in control and happy, and then a few days later i wake up feeling like i can't even get out of bed, the extreme opposite. And i could deal with the down days well enough most of the time. but lately the down times are getting kinda unmanageable and they are lasting longer. Then the up times are here again and i feel like i'm doing ok and don't need medication.

Here i am today, in the middle of a down time. And i'm going to bare my soul here and document just how it feels so that i can look back during the up times and think harder about trying something else, medication wise, And weigh the pros and cons....

The mood swings suck. I seem to be constantly on edge. I have a temper at any time, but i don't get angry very easily at all. But during the down times i snap like i haven't slept in a month! And at anything. My poor kids don't know weather i'm coming or going, so i try to avoid them without being obvious.
If i drop something, i'm likely to pick it up and throw it. If the DVD i just put in the player wont work, i'm likely to throw my arms in the air and storm off to sulk.
I know it's unreasonable, but i just can't seem to control it.
And cry...i'll cry at the drop of a hat! No chick flicks for me during down time! Don't mention any money problems we might have, or my seriously dysfunctional relationship with my oldest daughter [That probably started with those bloody stupid f%#king meds!] Or my mother who died 8 years ago...just don't mention anything with a slightly negative spin on it! [I want to cry now, after typing all that!]

And the very worst thing is what i can only call extreme overwhelmeness. I just can't seem to deal with anything, no matter how trivial. At the moment i know there's washing in the machine that needs hanging out. But i don't want to 'deal with it'. [I will but i have to work up to it] The kitchen needs tidying up, but i look at the mess and feel overwhelmed by it, like the weight of the world gets plonked into my shoulders...just over dishes! I'll give it a go but the slightest thing to go wrong, like dropping a drink bottle or splashing water on myself, and i'll get the shits and storm out!
Just thinking about doing a chore makes me feel agitated and anxious.
I wouldn't even go to the loo if it wasn't a bodily function that needed urgent attention weather i want to do it or not!

I care about my kids more than life and i'd NEVER neglect them! But i'm grateful that they are old enough to be quite self sufficient during these times. At dinner time i declare a much loved "Catch and kill" night [get your own dinner] and they love that! The only thing they really notice at this time is the mood swings [occasionally]. And i'm quick to apologize if they get the raw end of it.

I don't want to think..about anything. Anything at all.
I don't want to be sociable. I want to sit in a room, preferably a dark room, and do nothing. I don't want any visitors and I dread going to church, the one place where i could really get support if i reached out [maybe - if someone understood. today i don't think anyone there would]. And i'll cancel other appointments just so i don't have to deal with them.
My sweet, sweet husband, and best Friend in the whole world doesn't even enter this horrid place. He just thinks i'm being bitchy for a while and my period must be coming or i haven't have my ADD meds.

I'm trying to get healthy. I weigh almost 400lbs and this 'bipolar' has something major to do with it, i'm sure!
Today i don't care about weather i'm healthy or not. I don't want to move so i'm sure as hell not going to exercise! I don't want to spend time cooking something healthy, so i'll eat whatever is there that's quick and easy. Today we drove past McDonald's at lunch time so we went through and i ordered a double quarter pounder meal. Why? Especially when there were salad things on offer? Coz i didn't care.
I spend this time sabotaging my weight loss efforts, and then i spend the up times trying to repair the damage. It's a vicious circle and i hate it! I'm aware of it today but i seem so far removed from it, emotionally.

And the sex. I have an absolutely insatiable appetite for it during down time. But it's never enough. It's like i'm trying to get a fix that isn't fixable. Scratch an itch that keeps feeling itchy...It's NEVER enough! Poor Johnny - he's such an unselfish lover who just wants to please, and he does!. I know it's not for the right reasons, but i can't help it. It starts off with me just wanting to be with him, but i just want more more more...and then go to sleep crying because there's just no relief for the itch. It sucks! Really it does!

And then there's the booze. It's a way of self medicating that i KNOW works. Do i have a problem with booze? Yes. But i won't go to AA or anything because i know it's a great and quick back up for the down times. I don't drink the whole time when i'm down, just when it's REALLY bad.
Sounds pathetic? Yea well. It's better than medication that blocks all emotion every day and makes you feel like you have black sludge where your heart used to be, and that no-one and nothing means anything to you!

I'm usualy a happy and jovial person who sees the lighter side of everything. In fact, it would seem to the outside eye that i don't take much seriously at all! Life is awesome and too short to take things too seriously! I act like it's my mission in life to bring sunshine to everyone around me's day in one way or another. But i sure make up for that carefree attitude during the downtime! It's like i'm two completely different people. Today i really can't relate to that carefree Sharron that i was a few days ago. And when i'm that carefree person, i can't relate to down sharron at all! I don't feel self pity or anything, just a desperate need to......do nothing but breathe. But life isn't a place to just do nothing and breathe. It's a place to live!

I feel no emotion while writing this post. Except when i think about what chores i have to do within the next hour or two.
And a tinge of sadness for the abnormality and confusion in my life.
I'll read this in a few days when i'm out of the down time, and maybe add a post about the up time.

Just watch the contrast :o/

It's The...Arch Window

2008-07-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

When i was a little kid, watching Play School, i used to want the arch window to be the one we looked through. Why? I don't know. Maybe because it was the "prettiest window".
Then the years went by and i grew up to have my own kids. Then they started watching Play school, and i'd secretly want the arch window to be the window each time it was on.
One day i told my kids that i always wanted the arch window to 'win', and they told me what window they liked best. For Rose it's the square window [how very dull! lol] and Jason likes the round window.
I'm not sure what happened in between that conversation and now, but when Play School just happens to be on when we are all in the room, and the window bit comes on, we start cheering for our chosen window like they are race horses! lol

Well...Ummm

2008-06-30T11:12:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a Friend who's been a Friend for about 8 years, about having a girls night out. Lets call her Tracy, and her husband, Bob? We've been Friends since my son was born, and we are pretty good friends.
We had it all planned out. We'd get a few mutual friends together and go out to a club to celebrate one of them getting a new job [Any excuse for a night out lol] and then we'd all go back to Tracy's house for pizza etc. I asked if i could stay the night, because if i was to have a couple of drinks, i didn't want to drive home. Tracy said that was ok and i could probably sleep in her bed with her....... In bed with her?......WTF???

....Er, where would Bob be? Tracy said he was working night shift. Ok...uuummmm....well....

I just said the couch would be fine thanks.
I don't really think anything of that. Tracy is a really laid back, yet responsible family kinda gal. Her saying i could sleep in her bed doesn't make me feel awkward or anything. I might have a joke with her about it a bit later [None of this "might" business, i will! lol] and our relationship as buddies will stay the same.
But on the slight off chance that she was sticking her feelers out, my mention of it will be a sensitive one :o)

Hysteria

2008-06-29T21:07:00.000-07:00

In 1988, When i was 18, i was introduced to Def Leppards CD 'Hysteria' by my younger sister, Rochelle (who turns 36 today :o) and it very quickly became my all time favourite CD.
Today i'm 37 and it's STILL my fav CD!! I've worn out 1 cassette tape and 2 CDs and i wont flinch at paying for another!
When i was 19 i bought a Hysteria T-shirt. I dunno what size it was and i don't know what happened to it, but dam i miss it! [I also had an Angels, 'Dogs are talking' T that i miss, but that's another post lol]
I've spent the last 8 years or so looking for a replacement T-shirt, to no avail. And unfortunately, as the years go by, i get fatter, so the size requirement gets bigger! [although I'm trying to rectify that].
At the moment i have an automatic eBay search for Def Leppard 6xl and in all those years there has been nothing.
Gee, fat people want band T-shirts too! lol
I'm not a materialistic person by any means, but i WILL find the T-shirt, mark my words! I'll not rest until i do! It's the one thing on earth that i would leap over mountains for!

In Law Or Out Law?

2008-06-28T18:38:00.000-07:00

My mother in law was working in the canteen at her local footy club [that she is heavily involved with]. I told her was going to go along to watch the opposing team. Of course this horrified her! The last thing she wants is her loud daughter in law rocking up to her footy club, where all her Friends hang out, and barrack for the other team!
Well my evil twin just saw this as a great opportunity to make her life a misery [all in fun of course]
She called me to say there's no point in going because the people i thought were playing, aren't. She thought that secured her sanity for another day.
I might not have gone after that, but when the game time rolled around, i was driving past the footy ground anyway, and i had time to waste. So i went in and tried to find her. The place was packed with barely room to move. She wasn't working in the canteen but i was told she was in the grandstand.
So i went out to look and eventually spotted her amongst the crowd. I wouldn't have been able to reach her so i just stood at the bottom of the grand stand waving and yelled, "Mum..Muuuuuum..Mum! Over here! Muuuum!" Then she looked over and saw me and i swear i saw her hair go a shade of grey! lol
Then i took off. I'm in soooooo much trouble when she gets around to calling me! lol
But it was worth it :o)

The Family Name

2008-06-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder why our kids turn out the way they do? Or why we turn out the way we do?
In bible times, a great deal of thought went into a childs name. People often prayed about what names to call their children. John the baptists dad [zachariah?] was told the name of his unborn child during prayer. He questioned God in regard to the name and was struck speachless untill the child was born, when his first words were, "The child shall be named John" [or so it goes something like that]
Names were so important that when people first became followers of God, God changed thier names for them [Saul shall now be known as Paul etc]

These days we put different importance into our childrens names. We name children after relatives. And it has become the trend to name our children the most unusual names we can think of, or to put a new spin on an old name.

My name is Sharron. Not 'Sharon', it is pronounced Shaa-ron. It's an unusual name and i'm quite unusual. I've been "different" all my life. At school i never fitted in anywhere and was always an outcast due to being '. I have the kind of nature that people aren't quite sure how to take. I call things as i see them, and i am very limited on tact. I just kinda assume everyone else will treat me the same, and that would be great! I don't care what the trends are, i'll do my own thing.I have quite a bizzare sense of humour and am definatly one of a kind to everyone i know!

I myself have three children.
My oldest is called Alix. 16 years ago i thought it would be interesting to put a new spin on an old name. But my daughter hates it. She feels i have cursed her with this "Miss-spelling" as she gets picked on very easily and this is just one more thing that kids feel is an easy target.
Alix is very much a tomboy yet she's not sure where she fits in anywhere. She is a leader with a followers mindset. No self esteem :o/

My second daughter is Rose. I had only just become a new Christian before i fell pregnant with her. Before i knew i was pregnant, i asked for a name during Prayer, and the name "Rose" came to me. As i prayed that prayer, Bette Middlers song, 'The Rose' came on the radio. So i knew from the beginning that i was having a girl.
I had wanted to call her Roze [to go with Alix] but her dad put the registration form in, and filled it out as 'Rose', much to my distaste!
And Rose has always been a little 'Rose', gentle in nature and calm, yet deep. Confident and sure of herself with a great sense of humour!

Then there is Jason, my son. John and i picked that name because it's the only name we could agree on. We both wanted a 'manly' name and Jason was it! My first choice was Peter, and then Noah. But Jason is great too.
Jason is kinda bland. He doesn't have much of a sense of humour, he enjoys his own company, and depends on others for basic needs.

John, my husband, has a great sense of humour [when it suits him]. He talks quite freely about everything including his feelings. He is quite attentive and patient. He is 'house trained' and quite unselfish in all ways.
But he is boring when it comes to planning activities. It's like pulling teeth actualy! lol

So, what's in a name? Should we plan a lot more carefully when naming our children?
It's food for thought isn't it?

It's All Good

2008-06-04T23:55:00.000-07:00

Jason slept in my bed with me last night, because John was working night shift. This morning i had just woken up when he started to stir. I said, "Good morning darling, how are you?" He said, "Good". I said, "How do you know you're good? You haven't even opened your eyes yet!"
And he said, "I'm good because you're here."

Aaaawwww how cute is that?!?!

Found In Translation

2008-05-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

I'm kinda chuffed with myself! I managed to help someone set up a PayPal account and complete an eBay transaction.
What's so amazing about that, you say?
The person i helped lives in Belgium and doesn't speak a word of english. And i'm in Australia and don't speak a word of dutch!
So how did we do it? I used Babelfish. The language was very broken and a lot of it was guestimation on my part as her language wasn't exsact dutch. So becauseof that, i don't know if my translation was correct to her.
I'm quite impressed with us :o)

Dirty Perverts

2008-04-30T18:14:00.000-07:00

Rose said to me this afternoon, as she has said soooo many times before, "Mum can i go down to the park and ride around on my scooter?"
It's a fun place to be, so why not?
Why not?

When i was a kid, i loved having the freedom to ride around on my bike or skates, or just hang out with my friends at some out of the way place. Sometimes we got up to mischief together, and sometimes we didn't. Sometimes we saw a stranger, and sometimes we didn't. There was never any real danger of any kind.

But 20 years on and we live in a VERY different world!
When Rose asks me this question, my mind races back to all the news reports I've seen or heard about children being abducted from public places and turned into sex slaves and/or photographic objects for sick bastards to masturbate over.
My mind races back to all the TV shows I've seen that talk about how child sexual predators hang around parks and other places where children are, looking for that golden opportunity to manipulate a child, your child, my child. And take them away in the blink of an eye, never to be seen again.

There are at least 3 child sex offenders in our tiny town that we know of...that we KNOW of!

I don't let her go to the park on her own, without an adult. I will take her and Jason to the park sometimes, and I'll sit in the car and watch. I'll watch the kids [ALL the kids] and I'll watch the adults.
It's not freedom to have your mum sitting in the car watching your every move. If Rose wants to be "naughty" and climb a tree that I've asked her not to, she can't. If she wants to talk to a boy that she doesn't want anyone else knowing about, she can't.
Children need to be children. They need to test waters and do the occasional naughty thing.
They need to "fall" in order to know that it hurts.

It pains me to tell her she can not go to the park and play. The park [and our park IS awesomely fun!] is for kids to play in and i deny her that privilege when i can't go down with her and sit there. I hate it.

But i would hate it much more if i let her go and play, just to make her happy, and on the off chance, have her be stolen by some pervert, never to be seen again!

She doesn't understand that. She can't understand that.

I told her that, as patronising as it sounds, she will only understand that once she becomes a mother. Her response to that is, "Yea yea, that's just one of those lies parents say to keep you from having fun."

As a parent in the 2000's, this makes me incredibly sad. I cry for the stolen youth that could never be. I cry for the 1970's that she'll never know. I cry for the imprisonment she feels because of my necessary paranoia. I cry for the childhood she'll never have.

I'm Sorry Rose. I'm sorry that i have to make you feel that you are taking the punishment for every stink'in dirty pervert out there who is waiting for a beautiful young girl just like you, by stopping you from having fun.

I'm sorry.

Really i am.

Painfully i am.

But unfortunatly, it only takes one time of carelesness :o(

Alix...Such A Pretty Name

2008-04-24T00:57:00.000-07:00

My oldest daughter, The one that seems so far away from me, from everything, has become someone i don't recognise. I knew this day would come, but i didn't realise it would come so soon.

She has alienated herself from everyone that cares about her. And in doing so, she has cleverly set up misguided society barriers to protect herself from the influence of anyone who might remotely care for her in the slightest.

She has done this.

She has played the game.

Enjoying the rights that come with an adult world.

She has played this game and enjoyed it.

Using the rights that protect her.

Telling people what they want to hear.

She's not intorested in whats right or wrong, just what's right, right now.

She's saying things that are lies - big lies - in order to get what she wants.

She is 15 and trying to be 20, 25 or 30.

She is childish, but knows too much about how the world works.

I miss her.

I miss her like a limb might be missing from my body.

She is missing.

It pains me to be seporated from her.

Why can't she see?

Why is reality so distant from her?

I look at my other 2 children.

So innocent.

So untouched.

So vulnerable.

So beautiful.

And i wonder where the difference began?

How can they be so extreemly different?

How can they be created so extreemly different?

It's like i have another life.

Another life.

A separate life.

A life nobody could possibly understand.

A life lost in Alix land.

And that life is lost.

Why?

WHY?????

Lost.

Gone.

And a part of me goes with it.

Lost.

Lost forever.

Forever.

I love you.

No matter what, i love you.

No matter what anyone else says, I love you

I wish you could see, I love you.

Because

I love you.

Smelly Behaviour

2008-04-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

I found out something that validates a bit of my weird behaviour.

When i'm attracted to someone, i like to smell them. I don't know why, i just do. And i'll go out of my way to get a wiff too lol

Well apparently Justin Timberlake does the same thing.

Now i feel kinda normal about it. Thanks Justin lol

Hysterical Awakenings

2008-04-04T10:51:00.000-07:00

This morning, just as i woke up, John played Def Leppards Hysteria [my fav album] and bought me a coffee in my fav cup, and i could just lie in our nice snugly bed and listen to the CD. That was the single most awesome way to wake up ever!!!
AWESOME I TELLS YA!!! :o))

Frozen Lego

2008-04-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

For the last few months, there has been a little Lego man living in our freezer. When i take him out, he ends up back in there.
I don't know what he's doing in there or how much he's eating. But i don't mind his smiling face when i open the freezer door, and he kinda belongs there now lol
We might have to name him :o)

Growing Up

2008-03-31T11:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we bought some nice wooden bedside tables. We'd previously used some tacky poor quality cane ones that i found at an op shop, and i never got around to replacing them. Gee they sucked!
So anyway, replacing them yesterday was a little event. Rose took the old ones to clutter up her jungle of a room a bit more, and i placed everything just-so on the new ones. Then we admired them for a bit.
This morning John bought me a coffee in bed. As he put it on the bedside table, I said, "Gee these bedside table look awaesome! It's like a real bedroom now!" And John said while laughing, "Are you saying we are grown up now? lol" I thought about it and said..."Kinda" :o)

Peppy

2008-03-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

I have done something that needed to be done but i continualy feel terrible!

Peppy.....

Kept doing this to Lotus.....

Peppy was a lovely cat. She was affectionate and talkative. But to Lotus, she was an uncurable bully! Lotus is an old cat of 12 years. He just minds his own business and wants to be left alone. Peppy was 2 and saw Lotus as a weak link She chased/scratched him whenever possible. The above photo being the usual outcome. Lotus was continualy miserable as he'd have a fresh wound before the last one had even healed. Not to mention the vet was costing us hundreds a month. I'm sure we were keeping them in business!

We tried everything we could to make Peppy stop her bullying, but it just wouldn't stop. If anything, it got worse over time.

We tried to find her another home, but the vet said she was pretty much un-relocatable. She was very territorial and kept spraying inside. And if you patted her, she'd usualy bite. She was affectionate, but only on her terms [leg rubbing].

So after we exausted our options, we had to have Peppy put down.

I feel terrible about that, as i liked Peppy.

But the worst part of this story is 1. Peppy was Roses favourite cat. And 2. I had to lie to Rose about what was happening, and i hated that part most of all!

I told Rose that the day we took her to the vet, she was going to a new home where the person loved cats and she'll be very happy. Technically, if animals go to heaven, that's true.

But Rose now thinks that Peppy is running around happily in someones yard and it kills me!

I will tell her the truth one day, but right now i don't think she'll deal with it too well.

Untill then, It'll just have to eat at me.

The Little Man In My Life

2008-03-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

I have a son, A beautiful son,

Who brings brilliant light to my days.

He makes me feel needed,

In oh so many ways!

He loves to cuddle, and snuggle in tight,

And misses me when he retires for the night.

He makes me feel special,

And one thing i know for sure.

He'll be the twinkle in my eye,

From now till ever more :o)

Invisable Wounds

2008-03-03T12:19:00.000-08:00

John jokingly said something negitive to me last night about a part of my body. He ment it in good fun, but because i'm fat, selfaware, and perhaps a little vulnerable about it. It's important for me to not only know that John loves me the way i am [which i know he does] but that he also appreciates me the way i am. A tough call you might think? Well no, because for 9 1/2 years i've felt secure in the knowledge that he does appreciate my body, because he has always said he did. I always thought he said he did, because he really did. If there's something he doesn't like, he tells me straight up. I'm not one of those precious woman that needs to be told what someone thinks i want to hear. In fact, i have no tolerence for that kind of falseness. I want to hear it like it is. But don't tell me it's one way for 9 years and then say it's another, especialy in the ruse of a joke.
Then when i got upset, he didn't know what he'd said wrong.
When he thought about it and realised, he couldn't apoligize enough for his careless words and he asked for forgiveness. He acknowledged that he wouldn't like it if i'd said something like that to him.
Well i did/do forgive him and we moved on. I'm not holding it against him, i still love him just as much today as i did yesterday.
But forgiving him for what he said and erasing it from my mind are two different things. You can't take words back, no matter how sorry you are for saying them.
John and i joke about our physical fatness all the time. When we are out walking, he says stuff like, "Move those chubby little legs". And i'll say, "Stop flapping your chins." And we laugh about it coz it's funny. [really it is lol]
But this was different...very different.
I can't imagine being intimate with him or letting him see me naked for a looooong time, or untill i can rectify the body part in question [which i can never see happening]. I feel as if i've lost some deep intimate trust in him. Like i can't be intimate with him without thinking, " Gee, is he disaprooving of this? Is he wishing i was different right now?"
John and i have always been really close, like best freinds that sleep together. I feel as if he is an extention of me rather than a seporate person. We are one person. Two souls entwined into one. But now i feel like there's a dent in that security. There's nothing he can do to rectify it, and i can't see how i can move past it :o(

:UPDATE:

I am over it. It stung for about a week, but now it's all good. Mostly coz i just couldn't hold out [If you know what i mean] lol

The Twilight Zone

2008-02-24T17:23:00.000-08:00

When Rose first started pre-school in our then town called Orange, a little kid there would follow her around and yet say nothing. It freaked Rose out a little coz Rose was kinda shy.
I met the little girls [Jordyn] mum [Lisa] one day when she came to collect her, and i mentioned that Jordyn kinda just follows Rose around and doesn't say anything. Lisa said that Rose looked a lot like a young relative that Jordyn doesn't see often. So i asked Rose to be pateint with her. Over time the two girls became great friends, and funnily, so did Lisa and i, Even though other than our children we had NOTHING in common!
The girls started at different primary schools and made new freinds, and we moved to a different town, but they still saw each other every other weekend and were still best freinds!
But Lisa was a bit homesick for her old coastal town that was hours away. With her husband, they wanted to renovate their house, get a great price for it, and move back to their home town.
But they couldn't wait, so they left and paid other people to do the renovating.

Bye Jordyn

Bye Lisa

I've never been one to make firm freindships. As kids, my sister and i went to a new school every 6-12 months [another story] and even now i find it very hard bonding with people.
I lived in Orange longer than i'd ever lived anywhere [4 years]. I'd made two long term freinds, and one was leaving.
As i drove away from Lisa's that day after saying good bye, i realised that it doesn't matter how long you stick around for, people will always come and go, even when you're not the one doing the moving. And when you move away, eventualy the freindship will probably end.
Rose was losing her "bestest freind in the whole world".

We drove home in silence.

2 years past. Lisa and i kept in touch by ringing every 6 months or so. Rose didn't talk about Jordyn much, but she kept her photo in her room, and said she missed her every so often. I would go over to their place and make sure the gardens were reasonably tidy and the builders were doing what they said they were doing.

Then, just after Christmas, Lisa called me to say "Guess what?!?" They'd been down to look at the completed house and to get a estimated sale figure from real estates. But when they saw the house they fell in love with it again and decided to move back!

Well that was just awesomely awesome!

I didn't tell Rose. I waited till they had moved back, and one day i took her and Jason to Orange to do the shopping with me. I said, "We might pop in to check on Lisas house". When we pulled in the drive there were cars there and Rose thought other people had moved in. I said we'd go and check it out. We went in and only Nana was home. Lisa had gone to pick the kids up from school and was taking ages. So that kinda spoilt the surprise! We sat out the back and had a coffee while we waited. I told Rose what was really happening, but she didn't know what to think. She just sat there lol

When they got home, Rose raced to meet Jordyn. They'd both grown up so much! [They both start high school next year] They stared and considered each other for a minute then ran off to play.

Lisa walked and i just said, "Gee, can you take so long picking the kids up!?!" And she sat down and started talking about what she'd just been doing.

It was like no time had past between seeing each other at all. We had coffee and i bagged her out for putting all her furniture back in exsactly the same spots they were in before [Who does that??] And our time was comfortable and good.

Allthough, other than the children, we still have absolutely nothing in common! lol

Me, Lisa and Jordyn
Jasmine [Jordyns little sister], Jordyn and Rose.
[Rose can't find her photo of them at pre-school, otherwise i would have shown you. It's cute]

Heart Felt Moments

2008-02-21T09:37:00.000-08:00

Last night Johnny was working night shift. He was training people so i knew he was going to be busy.
I called him before i went to bed to say goodnight. He was in the factory so he asked me to wait a minute [while he finished talking]. Then he asked me to wait another minute while he got out of the factory [coz he can't talk over the noise.]
When he got outside the factory i said to him, "Were you busy?" He said he was. I said "Did you leave the factory just to talk to me?" He said he went into an office so he could talk. I said he could have rung back. And he said, "You come first baby, you know that." Well, at that moment my heart just burst with lovey-dovieness!!

I fell in love with him a bit more just then :o)

][-][APPY BIRTHDAY JASON!

2008-02-16T11:38:00.000-08:00

Today my baby boy is 8 years old. I can't put a photo on this post because for some reason the shortcut to my hard drive has vanished!

But trust me, he's gorgeous! I'm not just biased, he really is :o)

Happy Birthday Jason.

(`'·.¸(`'·.¸-:¦:-¸.·' ´)¸.·'´)

-:¦:-··..-:¦:-* I love you,*-:¦:-..··-:¦:-

~ Little man ~

(¸.·'´(¸.·'´-:¦:-`'·.¸)`'·.¸)

Lotus

2008-02-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

Our cat, Lotus, is over 12 years old. Lately he's been in a few wars and not healed too quickly. The last injury took a few vet visits to heal. Now don't get me wrong, i love Lotus more than our other pets put together! He's been with us longer than Rose and Jason have. And i respect him a lot as an animal who has seen many other animals come and go in our lives, and he has stood against many odds!
But lately he is getting old and fast. I worry about him and give him a little extra attention.
Last night, as i was patting him, i noticed a big lump on his side that wasn't hurting him. [We keep the cats inside at night, so it's not an absess] That says one thing to me, C.A.N.C.E.R. And i'm a little scared to take him to the vet. I will, but i have to say that i'm very scared. I don't want to lose Lotus. Some might say; "He's only a cat" but he's not only a cat to me. He's lived a lifetime with me. And i will grieve for him deeply when he does go. I don't want him to go, and i will do everything i can to stop that from happening. But it seems as if the lumps and bumps are getting closer together. It's only a matter of time.

The Illusionist.

2008-01-15T09:58:00.000-08:00

Have you ever met someone who is just plain bubbling toxic poison?

Someone whos primary objective in life is to carefuly suck what they can out of people and leave them dry.

Someone who puts on a different carefully chosen face for everyone they come in contact with.

They wear whatever personality suits thier needs with different people they meet.

They tell lies and even falsify whole life stories.

They will do anything for anyone, as long as there is a chance of gain.

They are sad and lost, but they have no intorest in changing that for the better.

You try to help them, love them, nurture them.

You believe their lies because you want to believe that maybe this time they are being heart felt honest. Just this once?

But they know that's what you want. That's the hook they lure you in with. They tug at the line a little every so often, just to make sure you're on the hook.

Then..

And only by accident..

You realise that once again, like so many times before, you've been had.

You feel like an idiot. Stupid. Used and then spat out like old gum.

Do they care?

No.

They are already onto the next person.

Spreading thier toxic poison.

Poison sticks and needs to be worked out of the system.

If it keeps getting in your system, it starts breaking you down, no matter how strong you are [or think you are]

But sometimes you can't get rid of it.

You want it to not be poison, but it always is.

In this case, It's also my flesh and blood.

Even worse,

My fruit,

My creation.

My poison.

2008-01-11T22:28:00.000-08:00

Apparently, when we dream, we aren't supposed to be able to feel texture, smell or taste things. But i can do all those things.
In fact, my dreams are so vivid that i have to spend the first few moments after waking up, making sure i know they were dreams.
But a few mornings ago, something almost insane happened.
In my dream i was holding something round in my outstretched right hand, Like a tomato.
As i was waking up, i still felt it in my hand. It took a moment for that sensation to disappear.
My right hand was still outstretched, but it was empty.

Space Invaders

2007-12-30T17:12:00.000-08:00

Over 200 years ago, Australia was a peaceful country. It had simple order and it was a great, spiritual place to roam. (I don't know what it was called. But I'll find out :o)
Then one day the British "boat people" turned up. They wanted a little bit of land as a new place to start fresh, And the aboriginals, being a sharing bunch, said it was ok. So the British thought it a nice place to move in some fresh settlers, and to dump a few hundred Petty convicts.
Sounds simple enough, but they quickly decided that they wanted more, much more. They then sent a bunch of free settlers to New Zealand to live as well [But that's a different post] They gave the country a new name and a British flag.
They took over Australia quickly, with no regard or respect of the local aboriginals. They introduced foxes, rabbits and cane toads to eat the once beautiful country side. They imposed their British laws on the land, took the locals as slaves, and stole their children.
Then the aboriginals complained, so the British threw money at them to shut them up. The aboriginals didn't want money, they wanted respect. But the British just threw more & more money at them.
Then the British decided that they wanted Australia all to themselves, and banned any more "boat people". If anyone else decided they liked Australia from afar, they were thrown into prison and left to sew their mouths shut in protest. The British had control of this glorious continent, and they weren't giving an inch to anyone else!
But the British descendants, Or new Australians, were blissfully unaware of a new invasion. One so sneaky that they had no idea it was even happening.
The free settlers in New Zealand were moving over the ditch to Australia one by one. The New Zealanders [or Kiwis] respect native culture, so they settled into the back ground quite well.
Australians often complain,"There's more kiwis here than Australians!"....Well, if only they knew the half of it!

Karma is a bitch!

Her Who Is Not Spoken Of

2007-12-22T18:06:00.000-08:00

I saw that woman today.
She's really fat.
She had no chin.
Just a chest then a face.
She didn't look familiar at all,
Yet, strangely, she did.
She looked pained.
I watched her as she moved.
She looked middle aged,
About 37.
Life hadn't been as kind to her as she thought it had.
She looked as though life had past her by without a second thought.
She didn't see it coming.
It just crept up on her.
I watched her as she looked at me.
Why couldn't she be more like me?
I was in my 30's, but more younger in spirit.
I felt like i appeared thinner than the scales said i was.
I had it together.
People saw me as a much more energetic person that i was.
Didn't they?
I had it together.
I was over weight but on top of it.
Wasn't i?
I saw that woman today,
And she didn't have it together at all.
She looked every kilo she was.
She wasn't the slightest bit as attractive as she thought she was.
It was pathetic really.
Quite laughable lol
She was fat.
She'd REALLY let herself go.
A lot more than she realised!
She looked just like an average middle age woman who thought she was much more physically "With it" than she really was.
I pity her.
It's really sad to be that disillusioned.
I wonder if other people laugh at her too.
Do they see her thinking she's a bit better physically than she really is?
Do they laugh at her too?
Does her husband pity her?
He says that he loves her no matter what she looks like.
But does he just pity her?
I feel sorry for her.
She's soooo disillusioned!
I'm glad i don't see her too often.
She is my reflection in the mirror.
And i avoid her like the plague!

Smelly Old Shoe

2007-12-10T00:31:00.000-08:00

Looking for a new idea,
A new page for me to scrap.
Need photos, Situations and poses,
And not just the latest fad.
Plan the layouts, embellishments, buttons and things,
It's gotta fit just right.
Planning for the next memory page,
Might lose sleep over it tonight.
Boxes of things to sort through,
Looking for things that match.
Lay them all out on the table,
Til that idea in my head does hatch.
I think it might be coming,
An image, idea or two.
Lots of little family photos,
In a little old ladies shoe!
[No I'm not obsessed with footwear! lol]

I Am Who?

2007-11-29T19:18:00.000-08:00

I am who?

I like rainbows.

I see Gods hand in flowers.

I feed Magpies.

I love nature.

I am at my best on overcast days.

I love the smell of freshly cut grass.

I talk to plants & animals.

I love the smell of spring in the air.

I see awesome beauty in Cacti.

I love the sound of rain on the roof.

My favourite weather is thunder storms.

But I am who?

I don't like people.

Human nature is a twisted thing.

I could live on an island with my family,

and be happy never to see anyone else.

But I am who?

I love my God,

Even though i constantly disappoint him.

I search for his love aside that,

Even though i always push him away.

I know he loves me regardless,

Yet i still search.

I pray that he'll take away the desire for my habits,

Then i gorge myself on them.

I long to dance with him,

Yet i see him fade away into the distance.

I am who?

I like green and pink.

I like toilet humour.

I laugh at my own jokes.

No-one else does, but who cares.

I don't like cleaning anything unless it's mouldy.

I am happy surrounded with mess.

I am content with life.

But i am who?

I am married to my soul mate.

He alone makes me a better person.

I have great children,

whom i love to be around.

I can see glimpses of me within them.

But i strive to make those glimpses better.

Who am i?

I am a simple person who likes simple pleasures.

Who i am is all of the above.

6am

2007-11-29T07:28:00.000-08:00

Out the door with the dog.
She is bursting to get going!
She has lots of pees to sniff.
And lots of pees to leave.
Down the steps and to the road.
No cars coming, lets go.
Across to the firm road of the hospital.
Walk far away from the door or it will sense us and open.
Can't have a dog running into the lobby!
Trot past Glendas.
No-one's stirring.
Round the corner.
The footpath runs out.
It's all grass now So i hope it's been mowed.
The german shepard barks his deep bark.
He sets off the smaller dogs across the road.
Sorry everyone for the early disturbance.
But i'm on a mission.
A mission to burn.
Burn fat.
Up to the netball court.
Magpies and galahs are eating something.
We get too close and they fly away.
Don't fly away, we are just passing through!
On to the little bridge.
The creek's a mess.
I really want to remember to come down and clean it up.
Follow the shadow of the lamp post up the little hill.
The sun can't get our eyes there.
No cars coming?
Let's cross the road.
The dog is puffed so she needs a "C'mon Princess!"
Down past Pam's.
Check the letterbox.
Chuck the junk mail in the wheely bin.
Up the steps and in the door.

The Pasters Feet Pt 2

2007-11-27T22:24:00.000-08:00

I saw something strange on Saturday,
Something not quite right.

Our Paster was wearing white flip flop thongs,

And i didn't like the sight.

Our Paster dresses really well,

With everything matching "just so".

But these thongs just didn't seem to fit,

I'm afraid they'll have to go.

If i see them sitting outside his front door,

They might just disappear.

As a Christian i can not steal these thongs.

But i can hide them so they just look like they've vanished into thin air.

Our Pasters feet deserve much more,

than cheapo white rubber thongs.

So hopefully he'll see the sense of that,

And one way or another, they'll soon be gone!

Gone

2007-11-21T23:25:00.000-08:00

A man i love died today,
His life was cut too short.
He stood by my dieing Mum,
And never left her side.
I respected him more than I've ever respected any man, ever.
Mum was cantankerous and moody in her last years,
As cancer ate away at her once beautiful body.
He was there for her, no matter what.
No matter what.
He gave her daily injections and wiped away her tears.
He held her in his arms, telling her everything was gonna be OK.
I never told him how much i respected him.
How much i appreciated him.
How highly i thought of him, above all others.
He died 9 years ago of a broken heart, the day Mum died.
But none of us saw it.
Maybe we chose not to?
We all thought he'd eventually move on.
He was so much younger than Mum.
He Still had so much to give.
But he just couldn't move past her death, her life.
He used alcohol to kill himself, slowly, slowly.
He literally pickled himself.
He loved our mother until she died.
He loved her until he died.
We never told him just how special he truly was.
Now he's gone.
Gone
This is a harsh lesson in life.
Waiting till tomorrow to tell someone what we think of them isn't enough.
Because tomorrow might be too late.
For us, it was too late.
It is too late.
Too late.
He's gone.
He left today.
The world was a much richer place with him in it.
We loved him.
But now he's gone.

Dirty Stinkin' Flies!

2007-11-01T17:08:00.000-07:00

Flies.

They mate and make more filthy flies.

All summer they mate and make more filthy flies.

Hatch, Pester, Mate, Pester, Eat, Pester, Poo, Pester, Die.

They hang around and won't go away.

Instead they call their mates over.

The more you protest, the more they come.

2 then 4 then 6 then 20.

The whole time yelling, "Go for the face, go for the ears!"

It doesn't matter if you're clean or dirty.

They just keep coming.

You go inside to get away.

But they are there when you go back outside.

They're always there.

They just are.

Flies.

Dirty Stinkin' flies.

The Lamp

2007-10-31T21:04:00.000-07:00

I have a lamp that Johnny bought,

A few Christmases ago.

It's one of my absolute favourite things,

It puts on an awesome show!

It looks just like plain white sticks,

In a plain matte silver vase.

But at night time it comes alive,

And looks as if it might come from Mars.

It's an optic fibre lamp,

but the colour moves across the branch base.

Like something out of a movie,

My secret lighted sticks in the vase.

I love to watch the colours move,

It almost puts me in a trance.

Red,

Purple,

Green,

Yellow,

White....

To the eyeballs, It's a dance.

For forty five dollars,

marked down from seventy five.

It's a great piece of art work,

Like a sculpture,

but alive.

Johnny knows how much i love that lamp,

the secretly colourful sticks.

And even though I'm not really materialistic,

I wouldn't part with it for quids!

The Woman Who Moves Like Mum

2007-10-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

There is a woman who moves like mum.
She is around the same age, same build, same height.
She has the same mannerisms.
The same physical movements.
Her speech,
The way she sits,
The way she fixes her hair,
Chooses her clothes, jewelry.
I watch her from afar,
I watch her when I'm close.
She is happy, just like when mum was happy.
[Which wasn't often as mum had a very damaged spirit]
When she talks to me, I'm comforted by the way she sounds.
Sometimes, when I'm around her, i briefly close my eyes and i imagine laying my head in mums lap, and having her stroke my hair, the way she used to.
She has no idea that i even notice her.
But I love to hear her talk and watch her.
She moves just like mum.
But she isn't.
Mum is gone.

Gone.

The Pastor And His Feet

2007-10-05T19:31:00.000-07:00

We sit up front in church each week,

Listening to him preach the word.

He's an awesome speaker, and really quite deep,

He's a pleasure to be heard.

But from where we sit, they really stand out,

Our Pastors shuffling shoes.

As he speaks i watch them move about,

They are hypnotic as i muse.

He walks back and forth across the stage,

Speaking to us all.

His shoes seem to have a life of their own,

As if he was moving around at their call.

Sometimes he wears canvas in demin blue,

Sometimes some with stripy soles in brown.

Some that are plain old runners,

That you wouldn't notice just walking around town.

Up on the stage just a foot off the ground,

His shoes are a show on their own.

Moving to and fro each week,

As the word of God is sown.

Each week i'm interested to see,

What shoes he chooses this week.

Each pair seem to have a life of their own,

On our Pastor as he speaks.

Knight In Shining Armour

2007-10-01T23:39:00.000-07:00

The man i love is 6 foot 4,

With broad shoulders and strong hands.

He has dreamy eyes and a cheeky grin,

Next to him i'm proud to stand.

He has my heart safely locked away,

Within his own entwined as one.

He makes me feel all silly inside,

He's sensitive yet fun.

When i think of him I can't help but smile,

We are both so much alike.

If anyone ever tried to hurt him,

From me they'd have a fight.

He makes me feel warm and safe,

and of fewer things i am more sure,

Before now i've not known true love.

And he'll have all my heart forever more.

Henny Penny, Chicken Little & Honey.

2007-09-30T21:31:00.000-07:00

Our chooks were taken yesterday,

From their warm beds as they slept.

A dog who wanted his bloody fill,

Into their chook house he crept.

We loved our chooks,

They were not just layers, but pets.

To now see their empty chook run,

Brings eery sorrow and stress.

We loved our chooks and they'll be missed,

They can't just be replaced.

But they had a good life,

Those spoilt chooks!

And they'll be remembered with grace.

Henny Penny, Chicken Little and Honey,

May you now rest in peace.

Know we'll not forget you,

Even though you are now deceased.

That Weird Kid

2007-09-29T23:52:00.000-07:00

The weird kid is left behind.
Not accepted, not unaccepted.

Just left.

Doesn't quite fit in anywhere.

Not quite cool enough, not quite smart enough, not quite normal enough.

Not quite mature enough, Not quite immature enough.

Forgotten.

Tries to fit in but always stumbles.

Tries not to care but always does.

Tries not to hurt but always cries.

Wonders why.

Wonders when.

Doesn't want to ask, "Can i?", "Me too?"

Doesn't want to appear needy.

Just wants to fit somewhere.

Anywhere.

Just wants to be accepted.

Today.

That weird kid.

Does it ever end?